OOTZ

Recently, I posted on my facebook page that I would be stepping out of my comfort zone and entering a few photos in a photo contest at a local gallery. I am not a professional photographer. I take my pictures using my iPhone and various photo apps. I like to take pictures. I'm a picture hoarder. Do I think my photos are the cats meow? No. I think I like them and honestly, when it comes to my photos that's all that matters. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am beholding my photos. (Yeah. I don't know what that's suppose to mean, if anything. I just felt like saying it)

SO, let's recap. I've shared the fact that I am not comfortable with putting myself out there, which is strange since I put myself out there on facebook and on here. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone, something that I promised to do more of in the new year.

Side note... when will 2013 stop being the NEW YEAR? Can I stop saying "New Year" yet? Ok. Moving along.

My wonderful cousin, who has been such a great role model to me... mother of the year, best friend of the year and wife of the year... You name it and I think she's won the award or deserves it...well, anyway she suggested that we form a group and support each other as we tackle things that are out of our comfort zone, hence the title of this post Out Of The Zone...OOTZ.

Are you the type of person that stays within your safe compartment, afraid to step out for whatever reason? Maybe there's something you've been dying to do but just can't find the courage. Well, this is the group for you. From time to time throughout the year I will post a new challenge. I want you to take part even if it's something you think you're comfortable with because you may think that you're alright with something until you do it. I thought I was alright with sharing my writing projects with someone and then found out that it scared me to the point where I couldn't sleep.

OK. So, our first task is going to be a baby step. Or at least to me. We're going to try a food that we haven't had but want to have but haven't had the courage to try. That was too many buts, but... if you've already tried lamb then find something that you haven't tried and try it because LAMB is our food to try. I don't care if you cook it or order it at a restaurant. I am cooking my lamb. It will probably be one of those things that I do while the kids are in school. A lunch for one. I'll share my recipe if that's the case. I'll be checking in with a progress report and please feel free to chime in and share your thoughts. I do look forward to hearing from you. If you would like to add a task to tackle then please share that too!

Let's do this!

The things we don't talk about Volume One

There are things that families don't speak of. Suicide.

The word makes my heart race. It scares me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. And this is where I have to take a break to gather myself, wipe the tears away and when my kids walk through the room and flash me a questioning look... I can't explain to them what the problem is because I can't speak of it.... out loud.

Suicide.

It happens. I bet you know someone who has tried it or maybe unfortunately accomplished it. I'm sorry for your loss or the stress it put on you and your family. And if the case may be, I'm sorry that you went through it yourself.

I remember standing at the kitchen sink. It was a bad day. A lot of stress. We had just moved into our first house. We were renters for years and this house was a big deal. We did all of the remodeling ourselves and even though me and my husband at the time didn't agree on the decor, we managed to meet in the middle and I was pretty exhausted by the whole process.

I was having female issues, had been on my period (sorry guys) for 72 days and the doctor put me on birth control to try to help it end. I was taking 4 birth control pills a day! I was an emotional wreck. The kids were at odds and my oldest boy was causing problems in school. I felt like a failure and wondered if my family would be better off without me. Other problems arose and I thought it was all too much to deal with.

Now, I cannot believe I was ever in that place emotionally/mentally.

I was washing dishes and watching the cars drive on the road behind our house. They travelled at high speeds since it was a country road. And then suddenly I put my dish rag in the sink and moved toward the door, into the back yard because I knew that all I had to do was step out into the road at the last minute and it would all be over.

No more pain. No more sadness. NO more disappointment. No more ME.

And now I know, no more future. No more Toddler or new husband. No more writing group. No more pictures to prove I grew monster tomato plants. No more dreams. No more laughter. No more seeing how well my kids grew up despite my efforts to warp them... mwahaha!

I didn't make it to the road....obviously. I can't say that it was my kids who pulled me out of that ugly place. It wasn't even my husband. It was my Mom and the fact that I was always so afraid to disappoint her. I knew that she would be devastated if I stepped out in front of that truck. I didn't want her to be heart broken. She is the one person in my life, at that point that I knew loved me unconditionally.

I know better now.



Two Tomato plants at war for one space...who will win?

So now my secret is out. You know now.

I bring this up because I've recently been reminded of that day. My seventeen year old had a fight with his girlfriend and you know how teenagers are. I looked into his eyes and felt the panic flood in. I wanted to run around the house and hide the rat poison and pain killers. I wanted to throw out the knives and sharp objects. Hell, I even considered hiding the power tools. I saw the signs. Feeling unworthy, hiding away, horrible mood swings.


Please know that however bad it is for you at this very moment, it gets better! But you have to give it a chance to get better first. Don't give up! And please, ask for help. That is the hardest part of getting through, admitting that it happened or could happen. Or at least for me it was.

1-800-273-talk or 1-800-273-8255

That's the number for the Suicide Prevention Hot line. They have a slogan... With help comes hope. It is the truth. You need a little help and then you'll start to see that there is hope! I promise! I know!! It will get better!

The Wonderful World of Why

I, somehow, survived the Wonderful World of Why with my two boys.

What is that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. If you have kids you already know this and you're smiling. You know that a child will typically ask "Why" a million times........in one day! Am I right?

My toddler is right around the corner from the Wonderful World of Why right now. I can hardly wait to visit it with her (insert parental sarcasm). She's going to be fun. She is too smart for the blow-off answers. I know this already.

Yesterday, she asked if we could go to McDonald's for a happy meal. I told her no. She wasn't hearing that. "Please! Please! Please!" she begged. I tried to turn up the radio to drown her out. (Bad Mama) It didn't work. I was running out of will power and had to come up with something super quick, before we drove past the local McD's.

"McDonald's is closed! The stove is broken" I said, as we passed a full McDonald's parking lot. I bit my lower lip and hoped she would let it go, move on to something else.

 Nope!

"Mama! They're not closed. Look at the cars!" she cried.

She cried!!! What was I suppose to do? Ugh!

I was weak. It doesn't happen often. Don't judge me!

Anyway, apparently, my 15 year old is still traveling through the Wonderful World of Why. I was snapping pictures of the toddler in the driveway. I like to lay in the driveway with my iphone and snap pictures while she plays with sidewalk chalk. Yes, I said "I lay in the driveway". Again, don't judge. He asked me "Why are you always taking pictures? You take pictures of EVERYTHING!"

He's right! I do! I take pictures of things that other people don't pay attention to, or would not care the least bit if it no longer existed tomorrow.

Why? It's simple. Because I can and I want to. It makes me happy. I do it because I want to hold on to these things forever. I want to hold on to the beautiful rose bush that grows along our driveway. But what is it about having to justify our decisions to people that drives me crazy or makes me second guess myself? I know I'm not alone, a lot of people do it too. Someone questions why we wear our hair a certain way and BAM! Now you wonder if you look horrible. Forget what they think! If you are happy doing it, then do it! Make yourself happy. It's all part of loving yourself. You have to love yourself!!! Don't ask why! Do it.

In time we heal

There are things that happen in our lives that can scar us forever if we let it. I am ashamed of some of the things that I let get to me or allowed to get in my way. But once I learned to get over it and get on with my life I began to heal. I didn't want to just get over it though. I wanted to grow, become someone my kids would be proud of. I am trying to follow my dreams and cross some things off of my list. It's never too late to start living. When I got this tattoo last night someone asked me "why" and I didn't really know how to explain it without going into great detail.

So why this tattoo? Well, because I wanted a reminder of what I am capable of. I have overcome a few things and I'm flourishing. There's not a universal symbol for that so I kept it pretty straight forward. Overcome & Flourish. The font symbolizes my love of writing since it looks handwritten.

Am I done getting tattoos? Nope. Will I be happy with this tattoo in 20 years? You bet!

Get a Theme Song

Do you suffer from severe negativity? Do your facebook status updates read like a broken record, reporting over and over that your life sucks and you're tired of being used and unhappy? Well, YOU my friend need to get a theme song!

I have a theme song!

And when I'm out and about, picking the kids up, grocery shopping or at home doing my thing I'm imagining that this song is playing! If they made a movie of my life this song would definitely be playing at some point in the movie!

I think a song can set the mood. If you watch the Ultimate Fighter competitions you'll notice that the fighters make their way to the octagon while a song blasts over the PA system. The fighter or his manager or whoever picks a song that will set the mood or simply say "I'm a bad ass MO FO! And I'm going to put my knee in your eye socket!".

So, do you see what I'm saying? If you have a theme song to keep you motivated or positive you might be happier. Stop letting other people influence your mood and take your happiness into your own hands by choosing your own theme song. Heck, I have an entire soundtrack! I listen to it all the time. Sometimes I have to change it up a bit and add new songs as they come out but, I keep a positive stream of music playing to keep my mood out of the ditch!

You are the master of your own universe! You can choose to do the things that make you happy or you can depend on others to make you happy. But, I'll tell you this........That person can take off in a heartbeat and then you're left not knowing how to make yourself happy!

What's your THEME SONG?

They have no idea.

I tell my kids I love them everyday, several times a day. They have no doubt in their mind that I love them. They see the sacrifice and they know it's because they are worth it. But, I don't know if they really no why.

photo by the amazing Anna Marie Pictorials

 I'm suppose to love them. They're my kids. But, it's more than that. There are so many things that set them apart, things that I have fallen in love with over the years. This got me thinking. Do my kids know why I love them?  Does my Mom know why I love her? Does she know what I admire about her? I could write a book about the things that make my Mom a rock star. But, I don't think she knows that or that the kids could tell me what I love about them.

A week ago, I asked my facebook friends how to help teenage girls feel better about themselves. I don't think anyone answered me........lol. I guess everyone was just as clueless. Then I was talking to my best friend who has been in Australia for the last 2 months, away from her children who are here in the states. She's there taking care of her father who is battling Liver Cancer. The doctor gave him about 6 months to live..........a year ago. So, God has blessed them with a little more time together. Anyway, I asked her how things were going. She had a hard time speaking. She was too emotional. It choked me up. See. Jessi lived almost 40 years without knowing her father. Just over 2 years ago they re-united and began the healing process, getting to know one another. And now she is losing him. It is so bittersweet. She sits by his bed and reads the bible to him every day. As she was reading to him that morning he stopped her and said " Jessi Rose, I love you. And I need you to know why I love you so much. I know I'm suppose to love you because you're my flesh and blood. But, it's what is in your heart that I have fallen in love with." And then he rattled off a long list of accomplishments that made him proud of her. Jessi, is a flawed person like me. She's made mistakes. But, she has overcome so much. Her heart is so full of love and she gives so freely. I admire her. She has struggled with low self esteem like many of us. There are things in her past that make her feel unworthy of so much love. When her dad told her all of the reasons why he loves her I think it gave her a boost. All we want is to be loved and for someone to approve of us. Isn't that true?

And that's when I realized.......This is how we teach our children how to feel better about themselves, to have better self esteem. The answer was so obvious it almost makes me feel silly for asking. We have to keep reminding them they are worth it and tell them why we love them. They probably have no idea.

Coming to a Close

I am working on my last 2 lesson plans for my craft class with the teenagers, my "delinquents" as they call themselves.

This will be our last 2 classes ever as a group. I will still see the girls but not as a group. Conflicting schedules, jobs, and school have finally come between us. I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't think it would be so soon into our time together.

We've done a lot of things together. They've taught me just about as much as I've tried to teach them. I am so thankful that God put them all in my path. I'll miss the light they all bring into my day. When we started out, it was a bit rough. We had to learn how to respect others space, opinions and outlook. For some, it was a welcome change, others......a losing battle. You win some, you lose some.


We've made jewelry, greeting cards, photo booth props, candy, cookies, inspirational signs, Get Well Soon Cards, Christmas ornaments and best of all.......We made friends. The best thing I will bring out of this......new friends.

So, what will we make for our last project?

We're going to make a plan.

When I was their age, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I didn't even know how to figure it out. My youngest student is 15. The oldest is just about to turn 18 and she will be setting out on her own. She has decided to join the military and this summer she will leave for basic training. But until then she plans on working and taking a few classes, learning more about computers. She has a plan. And this all came together in the last 3 months. I am proud of her. My other students are a little nervous. When, Shawn, the soon to be 18 year old, announced her plans, the rest of the girls were happy for her but at the same time they questioned their own future. I remember when I did the same, questioned myself. I struggled. Then I became a Mom. I didn't set out to do anything else besides raise a child. I started and ended with Mom. There was nothing else there.......and I struggled.

That is where I went wrong. Not that being a Mom and a wife was a mistake. But, I stopped there. I found something I could devote my time and attention to. I loved my son and husband so much that I held on tight.......So tight that everything else around me just fell away. I poured my heart and soul into my child and my husband and just let who I was stop. There was nothing else to me, just Mom and wife.

My advice would be, make a plan that revolves around who you are. What makes you YOU? What do you dream about doing? Whatever it is,  Don't think it's a silly dream! Don't let someone tell you that you can't do something! Unless you want to rob a bank or cause bodily harm to someone......probably a good idea to refrain from that! Be Wonder Woman!! Stick to your guns! Don't give up!!

I know for a fact that one of my girls dreams about saving animals. But she can't see past the things in her way. No money for college. No support system outside of foster care and myself. Obstacles. She's too young to see around those things. She isn't sure how to get around them. (It's going to take a lot of hard work to get to where you want to be but, it's worth it) This is why this generation needs mentoring. We have knowledge. Lessons Learned, right up here in my head. In my heart I know these girls are destined to do great things. Audrey, my short little friend, who has no idea what she wants to do, she's just afraid to try! Failure doesn't exist if you try! That is how I see it. If you try and things don't work out the way you thought......Well, then it's time for plan B. That's not failure to me. If you don't put your self out there, you have failed yourself. I am writing this post because there are so many young people today that don't have a plan and I think they need help. I don't expect them to have it all figured out. But, we can at least point them in the right direction. Help them solve the problems, get over the hurdles. Give them that confidence boost that they need. We all need a boost now and agian. Don't be afraid to reach out! I'm all about paying it forward!

New Lifestyle

Today is the first day of the rest of my new life......I mean lifestyle.

I am learning that making diet changes and becoming more active is a lifestyle change. So, I'm going to make a list of the things I will do differently from now on.

Carry a water bottle instead of a styrofoam cup of Mt. Dew and ice everywhere I go.

Park at the back of the parking lot no matter where I go.

Take the stairs, always, no matter how many floors up!

Grilled, never fried. Or nothing at all til you get home.

No ice cream.

No Sweet Tea.

No candy bars.

More veggies & protien.

Always eat breakfast.

Stay active.

Stay positive.

Stay Focused.

My Personal Trainer.......jk

This is going to be a challenge. I was an hour into this epiphany yesterday and almost fell off of the wagon. I stopped at the gas station after picking my son up from school. I would normally walk into the store and head straight to the fountain drink machine. Yesterday, it was no different until my son grabbed me by the shoulders and directed me to the cooler that held bottled water. Good looking out Son! I bought a very large bottle of water. I noticed as we were driving I kept reaching for my styrofoam cup......it wasn't there. It's just habit. So, I am re-programming myself to reach for a bottle of water instead. More water! I am not giving up pop, or as some say, soda. I am simply cutting back. I am proud to say that I have not had Mt. Dew in 24 hours. Tonite when I go to the movies to see "One for the Money" I will have a cup full of ice and Mt. Dew. Let's see if I can control my urge to chug it! I'm not much of a candy person when I watch a movie. I use to eat popcorn until it began to irritate my stomach. I'm a chip person! I love salty chips! If they had some baked lays I might be open to a bag of those but if not, I will refrain from snacking. Eating a sensible dinner before hand is my best bet!

At some point during the upcoming week, I will have someone take my measurements so I can keep track of my starting point. Last night I visited Anytime Fitness, if you're not familiar with them, you can find them online. I am not sure if they are in your area. I am impressed with the local set up. They have a tanning bed for crying out loud! I spent an hour on the treadmill. I was a little jelly legged when I got done. But, it felt good to move. I'm on a 14 day trial run. In 14 days I will decide if I want to buy a membership. I figure the money I'm saving on not buying fountain drinks will pay for my membership if I do decide to join. I feel like I am more likely to work out if I am a member. If I try to do it at home.........it's probably not going to happen. I will have so many lame excuses staring me in the face if I try to "do it" at home.

I've made this choice, to lose weight, be more active, eat healthier because I want to set a good example for my family. Not just my kids. My husband, My Mom, my friends, the girls I mentor.........I want to be the best me! I want to live longer! I want to wear my Capt. Jack Sparrow shirt again. I won't wear it in public......often. I just really like that shirt! And it's a belly shirt on me now. So, I think if I shrink myself, I'll fit!

This is a big thing to ask. But, would you join me? Would you be willing to make the change too? Make the changes to be a healthier person. Work with me! We can encourage each other! Come on! Pour out that sugary drink! Get your stretchy pants on! Let's get moving!

An emotional week

I'm not sure if there are many women who would say that they haven't had an emotional week at one point in time. Maybe you wake up one day in a good mood but on the way to work a song on the radio sparks an old feeling and sets you in a downward spiral into the abyss of depression. No matter what you do, you just cannot shake the feeling. A commercial on TV or a movie playing on the TLC. Whatever it is, you get sucked in by it. You can tell yourself that you have no reason at all to be in this mood but it won't work. For some reason you are destined to break down and cry at least once a day. Count your blessings and you still can't look past whatever it is that haunts you!

Been there. Done that. I usually call my Mom or my best friend, whom I affectionately refer to as stripper. At least one of them has the right words. But sometimes, they have more reasons to be melancholy than I do. So I just call to hear their reasons. This week when I found myself crying over a diaper commercial I called Stripper.

Stripper has a lot on her plate right now. She has spent the last year reconnecting with her father who is battling cancer. She has a boat load of kids, most of them her own and a busy husband. I figured I would call and let her side track me from my silliness. But, she has that way of knowing when I've misplaced my muchness and she calls me out. I explain my problem to her and she says.......

"Throw it in the trash!"

Me: Ummmm? huh?

Her: (very matter of factly she says) Write your problem or complaint on a piece of paper and toss it in the trash.

Me: I don't think that will make me feel better.

Her: Ok! Then put the toddler in the car, drive to McDonalds, order a cone and when you give the lady your money, slip your piece of paper in with your money and drive away!

Me: [imagining the look on the cashiers face, Stripper in her giant SUV with 8 kids.......] Have you tried this before?

Her: No! I flush mine down the toilet!

Me: Won't that clog your toilet eventually?

Her: Hasn't so far! I look at it this way. There's always someone out there who has it way worse and just as soon as you stop believing that, you'll find it out the hard way. Don't waste your time on the things that don't matter. Stop reading from that chapter. It already happened. It's time for the next book already! And if Frank ever mentions that the toilet is acting up, you don't know squat!

Me: That's for sure!

The moral of the story is......if you happen to work at my local McDonalds and one day you get a piece of paper that says "My toilet is clogged up and I don't have 2 pennies to rub together!", well, sorry! I had to do something. And like Stripper says "focus on the things that matter!" If you keep focusing on the things that cause the grief you need a swift kick. Everybody line up behind me! I'm first in line!

Success

Yesterday, I set up shop at a local fall bizarre.....I've mentioned it before. I was nervous. This was my first show, alone. I'm not good at selling. So, I worried that I wouldn't get a lot of sales. Basically, I wanted to minimize my stock. I have been working for a few months on various items and really didn't have anywhere to put it all. It had to go. So, I priced it to sell.

The show was small. I would say there were a dozen or so booths. When I got there most of the vendors had already set up and were just conversing with the other vendors. So, I felt like all eyes were on me. That made me feel uncomfortable. I love the things I make but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who loves them. I lack confidence sometimes. But, I started setting up my booth, keeping in mind that I was just here to prove to myself that I could do this alone and  I shut everyone else out. I focused on getting things set up and pushed forward.

Once I was done I stood back and smiled. My booth looked good. (I apologize for not taking pictures. Taking pictures in situations like that make me feel awkward. Kind of like the time when I followed a guy around walmart because he reminded me of a character from a Stephanie Plum book and I wanted to get a picture for my cousin. His wife said NO! ) Then, I sat down and organized my bags for easy access. That's when the other vendors came over to check my booth out. I always feel nervous when people step up to my booth. I start to feel like the little train that could! "I know I can!" Just smile and pretend like you have total control over your bladder!  

Well, enough of the play by play. The moral of the story is.......

I put myself in a position that scared the bejeezus out of me and found that it wasn't really any different than posting to this blog! Just because the people I'm directing my words at can actually see me as I'm talking.... it shouldn't cause me to panic! It wasn't bad! I had fun! I sold some things! I made a friend! I got a lot of compliments! If I hadn't put myself out there I would never know that I can do it. Or that it wasn't really anything to freak out about! Don't be skurd!

Super Woman



Me and My Mom.....be jealous of our outfits!



I want to take a minute to bring your attention to someone.

The working Mom......Super Woman.

The Mom who is going to school while raising a family, running a household, or working a full time job.

My Mom was a working Mom. She worked 2 jobs most of the time and put herself through school. She was that good. If I can be half the Mom she is to me, my kids will be the luckiest kids in the world. My Mom is like so many other Super Women.

If you know a Super Woman, I want you to do me a favor, tell her that she is doing an amazing job! Let her know that you think what she is doing is great. If you're at her house today, take out her trash! I wish someone would take out mine!

I bring this up because today I was "dealing" with a bit of attitude from my son, thinking.....If I treated my mom like this....I hope I didn't...... I don't think I was a bad kid. Maybe ......Ok..... I was difficult. When I was a teenager I was moody and unhappy for reasons that I couldn't explain. And I can only imagine how that made my Mom feel. I think the way I'm feeling now might be the way she felt then....Oh the stress! On top of me being difficult, she has always taken care of my Granny in one way or another. I think she could've used a break.....or someone to tell her that she was doing a great job and that all of her hard work was going to pay off. She raised me on her own. NO help from my dad. That's a major accomplishment! Way to Go MOM!

There are so many Moms out there doing the same thing. Putting their kids first, putting their own dreams dead last, taking care of their own parents or loved one.  

Please, encourage a Mom today. And If you know my Mom, give her a hug for me. I wish I was closer so I could do it myself. ~Thank you.

The Happy Bride.




photo by Anna Marie Pictorials

 Bride. A title in which I thought I would never carry again. But, there I was on a lovely day in August, wearing white, happier than a bird with a french fry, marrying the best guy in the world (for me) and I was surrounded by people that love us! It was truly a great day!

When I started planning the wedding I tried to involve the MR. as much as possible. But, he really didn't have a lot of serious input. Sure, he wanted red velvet cake, a midget Elvis to perform the ceremony and a honeymoon in a camper but, he didn't care if we had someone playing violin or fancy napkins with our names. He just wanted to marry me and that was good enough for me!

I wanted a little something more than a courthouse wedding. I did that the first time. I'm not saying it was a cursed wedding I'm just saying that I wanted to have the white dress, the flowers, the cake, the ceremony. But more importantly I wanted to be the BRIDE! I wanted to feel pretty! I spend most of my time in jeans and a T shirt with my hair in a pony tail! I throw on eye make up if I have time. I'm a Mom! I don't always show my curves. I'm not sure my personality shows all of the time. So, I wanted to show the other side of me  and be Fun!

I decided against the traditional wedding attire. I wore white when it's not traditional to do so on a 2nd marriage. I wore pink converse for pete sake! I wanted to be girly! A few days before the big day I took a major leap and had my hair maven, Emily put pink in my hair! PINK! And I loved it! It was ME!

My girls were beautiful in  Pool Blue dresses and flip flops. The guys wore Black or charcoal grey with jeans! Handsome and casual! We married in a park....indoors because there was a bit of rain on and off all morning. Better safe than sorry! But the clouds eventually parted letting the sun shine on! Over all,  It was a perfect day!

But I will tell you this. Becoming a Bride was not an easy task for me. Dress shopping was a nightmare at first only because I was not in love with my figure and wanted to cry. Then I came to terms with the fact that I am not a size 8, never will be and I don't need to be to look good in my dress! Sure I would've liked to have less cushion on my arms but it's something I can work on. Ladies! Rock that Dress! Be the Bride you want to be! Don't let anyone tell you "This is what you need to do!" or "This is what you need to wear". It's your wedding! When you shop for dresses don't stress! The dress will not make or break your day! Don't shoot me for saying it! Because it's your happiness that makes the day! It's the bond you have with your significant other. Make this day about you and your partner if that's what you want! There isn't a rule book when you're planning your off beat, non traditional wedding.

Grab it, Run.

I love the movie "Leap Year". I've seen it a dozen plus times. I'm a sucker for a love story, a hopeless romantic. And hello....An Irishman! But, I especially love how she figures out where she ranks with her boyfriend when she pulls the fire alarm.

If your house was on fire and you had 60 seconds, what would you grab?

My kids and husband of course.

What would my husband grab? Me and the kids. I have no doubt about that at all. Would we get to safety and consider coming back for his Dogs playing Poker shirt?.....Probably! But the important thing is I know where I rank with him. And I think the kids do too because he always puts them first.

It puts it all into perspective though doesn't it? The things you cannot live without are not things at all. They are people, relationships. So, when times are tough and you see something in the store you wish you had the money to buy.....don't get stressed or sad because you can't have it. Because when your 60 seconds come up you're going to leave it behind anyway. 

And if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not sure whether or not he or she would haul you out of a burning building before he secured his laptop, phone, collectors football jersey or dog......you should rethink where that person stands in your own life. Just sayin.

My Bucket List~Revised

Five years ago I threw away my bucket list. The things that were on it were not going to get crossed off at the rate I was going. I thought I wanted things that just weren't achievable. For example, Go to a Cubs Game (Who would I go with?).....Read 100 books (When would I have time?)......Repair something in my home (I don't own tools).

All of those things seemed so ridiculous to me. But I wrote them on a piece of paper. I sat down with a pen and paper and I wrote out the things that I truly wanted to do......for me. Not my family. Not my boys. And most certainly not my husband. Then one day, I think I was feeling like I was not worthy to achieve any of those things and that maybe I was being selfish for wanting anything for myself. It was almost as if I wanted to punish myself for something. I wasn't good enough for my husband so why should I be happy. That's what it was. I think I just had an epiphany.

Anyway, I ripped up that list. I tossed it in the trash and I didn't think about the things on that list for a while. My husband left. I fell apart. When I started seeing my counselor she told me I had to pick myself back up and heal myself, stop looking at the past and focus on the future. I had no idea how to do that. So, she suggested that I make a bucket list. It would be something to focus on. A way to move forward.

11. Get a Tattoo.....done.

 I didn't know how to put my own "wants" before others. So, when she told me to come back in a week with 10 things written on a piece of paper I thought "I might not be back!". It was too much work. Too hard to focus on me alone. But I did it! It makes me giggle now! I read over that list and I think "WOW! I'm a rock star!" Because I've crossed off most of the things and added a few....or revised it. Other people might think that the things on that list are silly and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own adventure.

This is the list I took to my counselor. I've marked the things I've since accomplished.

1. Go to a Cubs Game.......done! Thank you Jen!

2. Read 100 books.....done...read 100 more.

3. Drive to Arkansas with kids by myself....done.

4. Learn to forgive......done.

5. Learn to laugh at myself.....done.

6. Take a trip overseas.

7. Dye my hair pink......done.

8. Take a glass blowing class.

9. Hold a frog in my hand.....done (long story)

10. Repair something in my home.....done....scars to prove it.

I've added things to that list. I have about 31 things written down. These are things I want to do for myself and my family. I feel like I can include my family now. I've come a long way. Next week in craft class my girls will bring their own Bucket List. We'll talk about the things on their lists and figure out a way to achieve them. I'm looking forward to seeing what they've written. What's on your list?

I feel pretty when....

I've struggled with low self esteem most of my life. But, I'm working on convincing myself that I am beautiful and worthy. I use to avoid mirrors. Now I stop and make faces at myself!
I use to wear boring clothes that are easily 2 sizes too big to hide my curves. Now, I wear stretch denim to show off my curves. Still working on breaking away from black shirts though. I use to hate pictures of myself. Now I only dislike bad pictures of myself and learned how to take a better picture.

So, what makes me feel pretty? I've thought about it long and hard. I'm in my 30's and I have grey hair and creases on my forehead. I have wrinkles around my eyes. My hair isn't always perfect and I usually have a zit somewhere on my chin because I'm cursed with adult acne I guess. But those things don't make me feel pretty. I feel pretty when I laugh or smile. It's that simple. I feel pretty when I make other people laugh or smile. Didn't someone say "The most beautiful curve on a woman's body is a smile"? And ain't that the truth?

I feel pretty when I smile. Not when I have loads of make up on and brand new clothes. Not when I have freshly dyed hair or when I'm wearing a dress. I feel pretty when I'm having fun. So, I guess when I ran out of the house the other day to greet my bf and I told her I didn't feel pretty, I was wrong. I had a huge smile on my face and she was smiling back. I had one charcoal grey eye and one mocha eye but hey! I was pretty anyway!

Don't get me wrong. I love to sit in the floor with my daughter and paint my nails. I love to wear nice clothes. But comfort is a big thing for me. And wearing a dress is not always comfortable.  I have stepped outside of my comfort zone a few times and I'm still trying to feel less awkward in a dress than I use to. It's a gradual process. I do feel better when I don't have as many grey hairs but I'm learning to embrace the changes that come with age. I've come a long way.

I hope you're feeling pretty today. Where ever you are in life. Don't let someone ever make you feel like you're not pretty. Do what makes you feel pretty! Do it for you and do it for future generations.