Pulling me down hard.

This week there is an inner struggle going on in my head. So many things that I shouldn't let pull me down, into depression, things that I have no control over, that happened a long time ago. I just can't push it out of my head. You know how you go over the what ifs? Well, those are the things that I struggle with.

There are a lot of things that I have been able to let go of, push them out, come to terms with the fact that it happened and I can heal and move on but there are also things that I just keep holding on to and I get angry with myself for allowing it to happen.

 Two years ago, at a very inconvenient time in my life, I was pregnant. Oh what a blessing! Ummm. Sure. In my case it was more like "Oh Crap! Where are we going to fit one more person in the budget let alone the house or my Jeep!?" We live in a small 3 bedroom house and we barely have room for all of us. Bursting at the seams is an understatement.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful and wouldn't love a new baby to pieces because I finally wrapped my head around it and came to terms with the fact that I was going to be splitting my time between 4 beautiful children. I was in love with the idea actually. However, other members of the household weren't so happy and it was a bit of a buzz kill.

I pushed on though.

We tip toed around the pregnancy subject for a while until everyone became more comfortable with the idea and soon it didn't seem like such a bad thing. Sure, we were going to be so broke we'd have to grow our own food and sell everything we valued to keep afloat but how is a baby ever a bad thing?


Things with the pregnancy were normal, my levels were normal blah blah! I was tired all the time and couldn't keep up with the toddler but I managed. I took my vitamins, cut out 97 percent of the caffeine and ate way more fruits and veggies than humanly possible. I craved salads all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night and want a salad!

Soon I was picking out names, for a boy. Little overalls and plaid shirts were all I saw. A sweet little boy in a ball cap, chasing my husband around, that's what I imagined. It was a sweet thought but a thought that would sadly never become reality.

There are so many women out there who suffer the loss of a child. No matter how far along we are into the pregnancy there is always the "would've been's or what if's", always that heartache. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. I've gone over it in my head so many times. Was I not a good enough mom? I would've made it work, I know it! What else could I have done?

Does it matter now? It's in the past. I guess not but there's still that idea that I did something wrong or that maybe I was wrong to think I had enough love to go around. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think it's a quality that all mothers have, the ability to take on things that are out of our control and then feel extreme guilt when we can't move mountains.

I went in for a regular appointment for a check up. I felt fine. The midwife helped me onto the "slab" to listen to the baby's heart beat and after about 10 minutes of searching, she brought out the ultrasound machine...........my baby didn't have a heartbeat.

I could see her tiny little nub hands and feet. She was bigger than I thought she would be. All I could do was stare at her black and white image on the screen. I couldn't cry. I felt like someone was sitting there telling me "Sorry, you're just not what we're looking for right now. You can't be this child's mother." It's so silly now that I think about it. I felt like I couldn't cry in front of anyone over a baby I didn't deserve or didn't have the money to support in the first place.

And yes, it turns out, the baby was a girl but you know what, she would've been the cutest little thing in overalls and a ball cap, just like her big sister.

The next day, I had surgery. I came home in a daze and silently mourned my baby, the baby that I felt I had no right to mourn. I refused to ask for help. I stayed in my room and hid from my family, refusing to pick myself back up because I didn't feel I deserved to.

Time has gone by so fast that it hardly seems like two years. Yet, here I am, beating myself up on the Internet. A pile of Kleenex sitting on the table by my laptop. Ewww. I'll make sure to use a Clorox wipe later. This is not a cry for sympathy. This is a call for women to stop beating ourselves up over things that we just can't control. I'll have my cry and then I'll keep going because to do it any other way would be counter productive.

In time we heal

There are things that happen in our lives that can scar us forever if we let it. I am ashamed of some of the things that I let get to me or allowed to get in my way. But once I learned to get over it and get on with my life I began to heal. I didn't want to just get over it though. I wanted to grow, become someone my kids would be proud of. I am trying to follow my dreams and cross some things off of my list. It's never too late to start living. When I got this tattoo last night someone asked me "why" and I didn't really know how to explain it without going into great detail.

So why this tattoo? Well, because I wanted a reminder of what I am capable of. I have overcome a few things and I'm flourishing. There's not a universal symbol for that so I kept it pretty straight forward. Overcome & Flourish. The font symbolizes my love of writing since it looks handwritten.

Am I done getting tattoos? Nope. Will I be happy with this tattoo in 20 years? You bet!

Blue Christmas

I know for many people the holidays are an emotional time. Carrying on holiday traditions without a loved one we've lost can be difficult. I lost an aunt who I was very close to  years ago and her favorite time of the year, besides her birthday, was Christmas. The whole month of December actually! She was our  family Santa! She was the most giving person I had ever known. Each year she wanted to be the one to give you the best present ever and every year we always figured out what she was getting us before Christmas day rolled around. She always gave it away! It was so much fun though, to see how giving to other  people brought her so much joy! It was one of her best qualities. Her last Christmas was the best. She was finally able to surprise someone! She bought my Mom a very nice camera. I couldn't believe she was able to keep it a secret. It made her so happy! I can still hear her squealing with delight over it! She passed away a short time later. I guess God wanted her to have that moment before she left us.

I had a hard time finding any joy in Christmas after that. But I realized that she would want us to carry on with the celebration. So, I got involved with the Angel tree at the local mall and gave to Toys for Tots. No child should go without at Christmas. My aunt would be happy knowing that we were giving to others this time of year. But with the economy it's hard to do now. I've talked to a few folks lately that have found themselves on the other side of the Angel tree this year. It's sad. One year you're dropping off presents to a charity and the next year you're picking up presents.  Christmas isn't always a joyful time of year for everyone. It's hard enough to pay the bills. Putting presents under the tree is a struggle. I know it's less than a week til Christmas day and times are tough. But if you find yourself in the position to give to a stranger this year, find your local Angel tree or Toys for Tots, and do what you can. Please. If you know an adult who is struggling to put food on the table please donate food. A good meal can mean the world to some folks. With heating bills climbing and the price of gas......it's hard for some to stay with their head above water. Can you imagine going to the grocery store, gathering the things on your list which is the bare minimum and finding out you miscalculated and don't have enough money to cover your bill. You have to choose what to put back on the shelf! Do you put back the toilet paper, the Milk or the generic laundry soap? One look at your hungry children tells you it won't be the milk. It's a tough spot to be in. Please. Help a family out this year if you can. Every little bit helps! You never know when you're going to be in that same position, in need of holiday cheer.

An emotional week

I'm not sure if there are many women who would say that they haven't had an emotional week at one point in time. Maybe you wake up one day in a good mood but on the way to work a song on the radio sparks an old feeling and sets you in a downward spiral into the abyss of depression. No matter what you do, you just cannot shake the feeling. A commercial on TV or a movie playing on the TLC. Whatever it is, you get sucked in by it. You can tell yourself that you have no reason at all to be in this mood but it won't work. For some reason you are destined to break down and cry at least once a day. Count your blessings and you still can't look past whatever it is that haunts you!

Been there. Done that. I usually call my Mom or my best friend, whom I affectionately refer to as stripper. At least one of them has the right words. But sometimes, they have more reasons to be melancholy than I do. So I just call to hear their reasons. This week when I found myself crying over a diaper commercial I called Stripper.

Stripper has a lot on her plate right now. She has spent the last year reconnecting with her father who is battling cancer. She has a boat load of kids, most of them her own and a busy husband. I figured I would call and let her side track me from my silliness. But, she has that way of knowing when I've misplaced my muchness and she calls me out. I explain my problem to her and she says.......

"Throw it in the trash!"

Me: Ummmm? huh?

Her: (very matter of factly she says) Write your problem or complaint on a piece of paper and toss it in the trash.

Me: I don't think that will make me feel better.

Her: Ok! Then put the toddler in the car, drive to McDonalds, order a cone and when you give the lady your money, slip your piece of paper in with your money and drive away!

Me: [imagining the look on the cashiers face, Stripper in her giant SUV with 8 kids.......] Have you tried this before?

Her: No! I flush mine down the toilet!

Me: Won't that clog your toilet eventually?

Her: Hasn't so far! I look at it this way. There's always someone out there who has it way worse and just as soon as you stop believing that, you'll find it out the hard way. Don't waste your time on the things that don't matter. Stop reading from that chapter. It already happened. It's time for the next book already! And if Frank ever mentions that the toilet is acting up, you don't know squat!

Me: That's for sure!

The moral of the story is......if you happen to work at my local McDonalds and one day you get a piece of paper that says "My toilet is clogged up and I don't have 2 pennies to rub together!", well, sorry! I had to do something. And like Stripper says "focus on the things that matter!" If you keep focusing on the things that cause the grief you need a swift kick. Everybody line up behind me! I'm first in line!

Super Woman



Me and My Mom.....be jealous of our outfits!



I want to take a minute to bring your attention to someone.

The working Mom......Super Woman.

The Mom who is going to school while raising a family, running a household, or working a full time job.

My Mom was a working Mom. She worked 2 jobs most of the time and put herself through school. She was that good. If I can be half the Mom she is to me, my kids will be the luckiest kids in the world. My Mom is like so many other Super Women.

If you know a Super Woman, I want you to do me a favor, tell her that she is doing an amazing job! Let her know that you think what she is doing is great. If you're at her house today, take out her trash! I wish someone would take out mine!

I bring this up because today I was "dealing" with a bit of attitude from my son, thinking.....If I treated my mom like this....I hope I didn't...... I don't think I was a bad kid. Maybe ......Ok..... I was difficult. When I was a teenager I was moody and unhappy for reasons that I couldn't explain. And I can only imagine how that made my Mom feel. I think the way I'm feeling now might be the way she felt then....Oh the stress! On top of me being difficult, she has always taken care of my Granny in one way or another. I think she could've used a break.....or someone to tell her that she was doing a great job and that all of her hard work was going to pay off. She raised me on her own. NO help from my dad. That's a major accomplishment! Way to Go MOM!

There are so many Moms out there doing the same thing. Putting their kids first, putting their own dreams dead last, taking care of their own parents or loved one.  

Please, encourage a Mom today. And If you know my Mom, give her a hug for me. I wish I was closer so I could do it myself. ~Thank you.

My favorite Tool.

Recently a friend of mine announced that her and her husband had split up and that they were filing for divorce. She's struggling with the idea and asked for some advice. You know, because I am the voice of reason........really? She asked me how I got through it myself. I had to think about it for a while since this is a volatile time in a woman's life. You have to be careful of what you say! I don't want to tell her about the things I did in the attempt to achieve peace and tranquility.....mostly it could get you arrested and honestly.....it didn't help me! It made me laugh.....but over all it did not work at all. But there is one thing I did to help distract me from the things that I wanted to do........

So, if I had to pass on a "TOOL" to help a woman get through a tough time it would most definitely be a book!

Not just any book.

I cannot wait! Eeek!

When I was at the beginning of my not-so-pretty break up, a friend of mine (who I think was pretty tired of seeing me cry and listening to my drama) gave me a stack of books that she thought I would enjoy. This came at the perfect time since my boys were set to spend their first weekend at their dads new place.

I seriously needed a distraction. Otherwise I was going to do something stupid.....like call my ex every 20 minutes to make sure his new girlfriend wasn't cooking for the boys or trying to make them call her Mom! Ewww! I popped a bag of popcorn, cut up an apple, opened up a fresh jar of Nutella and plopped down on the couch with my stack of books. As I sorted through them I realized that it was a series of books. And you guessed it, all by the wonderful Janet Evonovich! "One for the Money" obviously is book #1! So, I began to read. I had never heard of the series and didn't bother to read the back of the book to find out what the jest of the book would be. An hour into my veg session and I was hooked! I instantly fell in love with the characters! It was just the distraction I needed. ( And probably saved me from getting myself arrested...I'm not perfect)

I realize that a book cannot make you completely forget about your worries. But, as I've said a million times,  reading can be a sweet escape from it for a short period of time. Books can give you hope. A good story can inspire you and make you laugh. And a story can also make you cry. This series has never made me cry! That is why I think it's the perfect tool to get you through that tough time in your life!

I'd like to take this time to thank Janet Evonovich for creating such a fantastic series. (The Stephanie Plum series.) I truly believe it helped me get through my divorce. I love how Stephanie is stumbling through her own life after a divorce, granted she hits a lot of speed bumps along the way, blowing up cars and etc. But that's what makes it so great! She is far from perfect but perfectly great at the same time. Does that make sense? Anyway, don't wait for the movie! Get the book and be prepared to laugh!

The Misery Business

I'm not a private detective. I have never been trained in the art of interrogation and I most certainly have never been schooled on human behavior! But I know the tell tale signs of a cheater!

Hiding your cell phone, keeping it locked, not sharing the password, "working" a 60 hour work week but only getting paid for 40 and my favorite......an abnormally high phone bill because you exceeded your monthly text allowance. I call this the Misery Business! It's a very unpleasant thing to go through. They say "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."......Ummm, it's more like "What doesn't kill you, just might destroy your trust in mankind."

It always seems that the faithful spouse is the last to know. Or if said spouse has the slightest clue that wrong is being done, the cheater squashes it and turns the tables, making the faithful spouse feel as if they are to blame or have done something horribly wrong by even bringing up the idea that his or her behavior might be a little suspicious! Women with low self esteem are easily brain washed into thinking this and usually have mixed emotions when it comes to taking initiative and leaving when the cheater is caught in the act. I should know.

Define Cheating: To me, it's not just having sex with someone else. There's an emotional stage too. I think you've crossed the line if you're sharing intimate details of your life with someone other than your spouse, confiding in them and not your significant other. Sorry, to me, that's cheating. Meeting someone who you find attractive and not telling them about your wife and kids......that's intent to cheat! If you're that unhappy, move on. Have the balls to look your husband or wife in the eye and say "I'm not happy and nothing you can do will make me happy!". It will be hard but in the end it will be the best way. Making a woman feel like a fool is probably not a good idea. Hell hath no fury! You've heard it before.

There are a million reasons why people cheat on their significant other. And even though I do believe in forgiveness, I don't believe in 3rd chances. Cheat, get caught, promise not to do it again and hold to your word. But saying you won't do it again and then doing it again......You gotta go! I don't know why anyone would put up with it a 3rd time. You're better than that. You deserve better. It won't get better unless you make the decision to move on, remove yourself from the situation. Don't look back except to learn from your mistakes.

Don't lose faith. I know it's hard to trust after being beat down mentally. You might feel like you're nothing and that you don't deserve better. But, you just have to believe that you are deserving of a good person to share your life with. You haven't set your standards too high! A healthy relationship is one where both parties are considerate and loving. Not manipulative and hurtful.

Holding on, letting go

 Letting go of life's most hurtful experiences can be hard. It has taken me a long time to let go of some things. I don't think I have actually been able to let go of the dislike I have for my ex-husbands girlfriend. Until now.....

Let me tell you a true story...... 

Let's go way back to when I was a teenager. Many. Many. Many years ago. Motley Crue is singing about Dr. Feel Good. I'm perched at the dining room table watching my Mom work on a ceramic piece. We were kind of nerdy and we painted ceramics back in the day. I actually loved to do that with her! She was good! She likes to claim that she isn't crafty at all but she was a genius with a paint brush and ceramics. I loved to watch her paint.

She painted these Indian heads. Spent a lot of time on them. You can tell by looking at them. I loved them. And when she talked about getting rid of them I almost choked on my Mt. Dew! How could she possibly get rid of them when she spent so much time on them? Sure, they didn't exactly fit into her decor anymore but come on! They are beautiful! So, I took them! And they traveled with me whenever I moved and that was a lot for a while. My husband back then was a military man. Each time we moved,  I treated them like an ancient artifact, knowing that if they ever got broken, they would never be replaced. They were special to me. And even though they didn't match my motif, I held on to them and displayed them in my room, on a shelf high above the kids reach. Every time I saw them I thought about my Mom, shining, doing something she was marvelous at! It made me feel good.

Fast forward a few years to 2007. At this point in my life I'm in the midst of a total break down. I'm much older. Motley Crue is probably planning a reunion tour by now for crying out loud. My husband and I are getting a divorce and I am a walking zombie, moving around the house we rescued together trying to decide what I can take with me when I go. Wherever that might be. I pack up all of the things that I absolutely cannot live without! My Moms Indian heads are the first thing to be packed...... That was one of the hardest times of my life. Walking around that house looking at all of those memories was heart wrenching. I couldn't focus. Then one day my friend told me that the only thing in that house that I really needed to worry about were my boys.....and my best bra! The rest was replaceable! And while I had my mini break down, she came over and helped me pack.

But, as helpful as she was at the hardest time of my life, She  was wrong! Remember, those Indian heads!! The ones that were not replaceable in my eyes. Of course in the heat of the moment you don't think about those things. You just sit there in a daze! Not knowing where to start or if starting is really even worth it! It broke my heart. Anyway.......The Indian heads got left behind in the mess. The box got put in the wrong place I guess. And in the chaos I just forgot and my friend didn't know any better. Bless her heart for helping!

Well, The years have gone by. The ex moved into our house and it has been years since I've even thought about the things I left behind. He keeps saying I need to come over and go through the things in the basement. But I can't step foot in that house. I break out in hives sitting in the driveway. I just can't do it. But, recently I had to stop by the house to get some of my sons things that he left from the week with his dad. I knocked on the door, knowing that the girlfriend was there, wondering why it was taking her so long to get to the door. Our dog, is at the door barking and I want to open the door and scoop him up for some quick kisses before she gets there. But, I don't. It's not my house anymore and I don't think he even knows who I am. Then I see her coming toward the door. She's holding something in her hand that I can't make out through the screen door. Then it hits me.

I think my heart stopped for about a second. Tears immediately filled my eyes and that day, the day I packed them in the box, every time that we moved, all of the memories and heart ache, all of the pride for my Moms hidden talent, the memories of her swift hand holding a paint brush......it all came back to me. I snatched those Indian heads out of her hands so fast and said "Oh! My GOD! Thank you! Thank You! Sooo much!". And suddenly she wasn't the person that played a part in the demise of a family. She was a person who cares deeply for my boys. A person who keeps in touch with the boys when their dad can't. She was a person returning something very special to me. Who knows why. Maybe she thinks they are hideous and wants them out of her house. It is her house now. I don't need to be in it anymore. So, the Indians are with me now. Back home where they belong, on a shelf, high above little hands or bouncing balls. I'm holding on to these indian heads. But, I'm letting go of the hate and the bad memories. Only good from now on!

I don't know what feels better. Letting go of the bad memories or holding on to the good memories.