The Book of Hadley

A sneak peak from a work in progress:

  

   Occasionally, you’ll hear women talk about how they “lost themselves”. They got married, had babies, left their job to stay home and just let who they were as an individual fall away. It happens and most of the time we don’t even know that it’s happening. Usually, we’re so swamped with being an adult that we don’t realize that we’ve lost ourselves or that it’s even a bad thing until it’s too late. We stop pursuing our dreams, cut ties with friends or forget what we stand for. Sometimes we don’t even know ourselves at all. We let someone else mold us into the punching bag or door mat; we become something we’re not. Helpless.                                                                                                                                                                  

I couldn’t tell you the exact date that I lost myself but I can tell you the date I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim anymore, I was going to be someone my daughter would look up to,no matter how tall she got.
I will never forget the day, June 18^th.  That’s when it happened, when I came to a screeching halt at the cross roads. I had to make a decision. Would I lie down and take it or stand on my own two feet and fight back?                                                                                  
For some women, facing a decision like that, the answer is obvious. Something happens in their life and they have this epiphany.They realize that their life isn’t what they want it to be. They wake up and say "I'm going to change my ways". My epiphany came in the form of a broken nose, two black eyes, a lacerated spleen, a fractured wrist, bruised kidneys and four broken ribs…..among other things.   
 
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Domestic violence is something I try to campaign against. Nobody wants their loved one to encounter an abusive partner. Writing this story put me in a bad place emotionally and I had to step away for a brief period. I have finished the story but part of me second guesses it. It needs serious polishing and I'm not sure I have done Hadley justice. So, it's back to the drawing board after I take some time off to focus every brain cell on getting a job. You know, something that actually generates income. Hopes and dreams don't put gas in the car. Unfortunate, isn't it. I'd be able to go to the moon and back.

Thank you to those who support my hopes and dreams and a special thanks to those who have lent an ear. You know who you are. :)

An Inspiration To Us All

I am looking for people who have chased down a dream! My plan is to share stories of people who have followed their heart and made a dream of their own come true or you can throw someone else out there if you know someone who has followed a dream. Maybe you decided when you were a kid that you wanted to rescue animals and when you grew up you made it happen. Or maybe you wanted to cross ballroom dancing or become a ninja off of your list! I want to hear about it and share inspirational stories with others. If you're game please leave a comment! If not fine..... I will hunt people down myself! I have a few victims in mind already! Mwahaha!

Get a Theme Song

Do you suffer from severe negativity? Do your facebook status updates read like a broken record, reporting over and over that your life sucks and you're tired of being used and unhappy? Well, YOU my friend need to get a theme song!

I have a theme song!

And when I'm out and about, picking the kids up, grocery shopping or at home doing my thing I'm imagining that this song is playing! If they made a movie of my life this song would definitely be playing at some point in the movie!

I think a song can set the mood. If you watch the Ultimate Fighter competitions you'll notice that the fighters make their way to the octagon while a song blasts over the PA system. The fighter or his manager or whoever picks a song that will set the mood or simply say "I'm a bad ass MO FO! And I'm going to put my knee in your eye socket!".

So, do you see what I'm saying? If you have a theme song to keep you motivated or positive you might be happier. Stop letting other people influence your mood and take your happiness into your own hands by choosing your own theme song. Heck, I have an entire soundtrack! I listen to it all the time. Sometimes I have to change it up a bit and add new songs as they come out but, I keep a positive stream of music playing to keep my mood out of the ditch!

You are the master of your own universe! You can choose to do the things that make you happy or you can depend on others to make you happy. But, I'll tell you this........That person can take off in a heartbeat and then you're left not knowing how to make yourself happy!

What's your THEME SONG?

Working It Out

I recently started sweating at the gym with my sister and my cousin. If you read my previous post you know that I did it for various reasons. Most importantly, it was to help myself live longer. I changed my eating habits. Cut out sweets to a certain extent.....I still drink an occasional Mt. Dew with tons of ice. But, one of the perks of this new journey I've set out on......reconnecting with my girls.

I got married in August. When I started planning the wedding I had 4 bridesmaids in mind. When I walked down the aisle I followed only 3. One of my bridesmaids and I grew apart for a short time while I was planning my wedding. She had so much going on in her own life that I didn't feel like her heart was in it and I also didn't agree with the choices she was making. I was wrong to think that my opinion mattered. I'm not saying that as a smart @ss. I am saying, it was not my place to judge. The deadline came to order my wedding flowers. I had to make a choice. Once I put in that order I couldn't take it back. I didn't want my Mom to pay for a bridesmaid bouquet when the bridesmaid didn't even have the dress. So, I had to make a decision. Do I tell my rogue bridesmaid to forget about her commitment or do I say "listen! I'm not happy with the effort you're putting out here! Get your ass in gear and get your friggin' dress!"? I chose to tell her to forget about it. In hind sight, I should've told her I was disappointed (as if anyone wants to hear that they're disappointing you) because I really think she didn't mean to not jump when I asked......lol.....That sounded bridezilla-like. Anyway, you can't go back. So we go forward and repair what we can. Shoulda, Coulda and Woulda!

My cousin, the rogue bridesmaid, is such a sweet heart! She would give you the world if you told her it would make you happy. She also got dealt a crappy hand in her first marriage, suffered some low self esteem and still has trust issues. You gotta love her for pulling through. I couldn't let our relationship fall away. I love the time we have together. So, when the opportunity came up to start working out with her and my sister at the gym, I had to do it. And I'm so happy that I did! It has been so nice to get back on track with her. She is the size of a supermodel, minus the height, so trotting next to her on a treadmill is a bit daunting and I'll be honest there are times when I want to push her off balance. But, overall, it has been the best part of going to the gym!

Not only am I re-connecting with her and my sister. But, I feel so energized afterwards. Talk about a stress reducer! I leave the house and all the stress of the unfinished laundry and housework behind, walk a few miles on the treadmill or pump my legs on the elliptical and when I get home I suddenly don't care anymore! I just feel better! My problems don't disappear........but suddenly I feel like it doesn't matter as much! If you've found yourself in a slump I would highly recommend that you get physical! Get your blood pumping. You never know what you can achieve in the process!

Coming to a Close

I am working on my last 2 lesson plans for my craft class with the teenagers, my "delinquents" as they call themselves.

This will be our last 2 classes ever as a group. I will still see the girls but not as a group. Conflicting schedules, jobs, and school have finally come between us. I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't think it would be so soon into our time together.

We've done a lot of things together. They've taught me just about as much as I've tried to teach them. I am so thankful that God put them all in my path. I'll miss the light they all bring into my day. When we started out, it was a bit rough. We had to learn how to respect others space, opinions and outlook. For some, it was a welcome change, others......a losing battle. You win some, you lose some.


We've made jewelry, greeting cards, photo booth props, candy, cookies, inspirational signs, Get Well Soon Cards, Christmas ornaments and best of all.......We made friends. The best thing I will bring out of this......new friends.

So, what will we make for our last project?

We're going to make a plan.

When I was their age, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I didn't even know how to figure it out. My youngest student is 15. The oldest is just about to turn 18 and she will be setting out on her own. She has decided to join the military and this summer she will leave for basic training. But until then she plans on working and taking a few classes, learning more about computers. She has a plan. And this all came together in the last 3 months. I am proud of her. My other students are a little nervous. When, Shawn, the soon to be 18 year old, announced her plans, the rest of the girls were happy for her but at the same time they questioned their own future. I remember when I did the same, questioned myself. I struggled. Then I became a Mom. I didn't set out to do anything else besides raise a child. I started and ended with Mom. There was nothing else there.......and I struggled.

That is where I went wrong. Not that being a Mom and a wife was a mistake. But, I stopped there. I found something I could devote my time and attention to. I loved my son and husband so much that I held on tight.......So tight that everything else around me just fell away. I poured my heart and soul into my child and my husband and just let who I was stop. There was nothing else to me, just Mom and wife.

My advice would be, make a plan that revolves around who you are. What makes you YOU? What do you dream about doing? Whatever it is,  Don't think it's a silly dream! Don't let someone tell you that you can't do something! Unless you want to rob a bank or cause bodily harm to someone......probably a good idea to refrain from that! Be Wonder Woman!! Stick to your guns! Don't give up!!

I know for a fact that one of my girls dreams about saving animals. But she can't see past the things in her way. No money for college. No support system outside of foster care and myself. Obstacles. She's too young to see around those things. She isn't sure how to get around them. (It's going to take a lot of hard work to get to where you want to be but, it's worth it) This is why this generation needs mentoring. We have knowledge. Lessons Learned, right up here in my head. In my heart I know these girls are destined to do great things. Audrey, my short little friend, who has no idea what she wants to do, she's just afraid to try! Failure doesn't exist if you try! That is how I see it. If you try and things don't work out the way you thought......Well, then it's time for plan B. That's not failure to me. If you don't put your self out there, you have failed yourself. I am writing this post because there are so many young people today that don't have a plan and I think they need help. I don't expect them to have it all figured out. But, we can at least point them in the right direction. Help them solve the problems, get over the hurdles. Give them that confidence boost that they need. We all need a boost now and agian. Don't be afraid to reach out! I'm all about paying it forward!

Kids dreams, parents nightmares

I am the Mom who says "I don't care what my kids want to be when they grow up as long as they are happy!". But apparently I am a big fat liar. Because I watched this movie trailer today and had a moment of panic when I imagined my youngest son, who dreams of joining the military, wearing the uniform, carrying the gun and dodging bullets. Suddenly I said "Over my dead body". I went from being the supportive parent to the selfish parent in a matter of 3 minutes. Wow! I think I have whiplash!


http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D6oLSBOIMX3o%26feature%3Dshare&h=LAQHObsERAQFT3N_saulG1E7R4uADLMSRrnQ_IZ1NytexnA

Act of Valor

I want my kids to follow their dreams. I really do. I don't want them to be afraid to try new things. But when I imagine them doing things that are dangerous it's always bungee jumping off of a really tall bridge in New Zealand or scaling the Castle at Disney world and being arrested for it! I guess when my son repeatedly voiced his desire to be a military man I never thought of the danger. I never realized that it could be my son saving a CIA agent from terrorists, putting his life on the line for a stranger. But, people do it everyday. GOD bless those people! GOD bless their families! [exhale]

When the time comes and my son signs the papers, packs a bag and drives away, I will have to be ready. I will have to stop being selfish and just be brave. I will be proud of him because he is all of the things I am not, brave and selfless. Or maybe he just wants to shoot people.....who knows. Well, actually, I do know. He wants to do what his dad did. Aircraft mechanic! Geez!  What am I worried about? He's not going to be hunting down terrorists! He'll be fixing the planes! Whew!

An emotional week

I'm not sure if there are many women who would say that they haven't had an emotional week at one point in time. Maybe you wake up one day in a good mood but on the way to work a song on the radio sparks an old feeling and sets you in a downward spiral into the abyss of depression. No matter what you do, you just cannot shake the feeling. A commercial on TV or a movie playing on the TLC. Whatever it is, you get sucked in by it. You can tell yourself that you have no reason at all to be in this mood but it won't work. For some reason you are destined to break down and cry at least once a day. Count your blessings and you still can't look past whatever it is that haunts you!

Been there. Done that. I usually call my Mom or my best friend, whom I affectionately refer to as stripper. At least one of them has the right words. But sometimes, they have more reasons to be melancholy than I do. So I just call to hear their reasons. This week when I found myself crying over a diaper commercial I called Stripper.

Stripper has a lot on her plate right now. She has spent the last year reconnecting with her father who is battling cancer. She has a boat load of kids, most of them her own and a busy husband. I figured I would call and let her side track me from my silliness. But, she has that way of knowing when I've misplaced my muchness and she calls me out. I explain my problem to her and she says.......

"Throw it in the trash!"

Me: Ummmm? huh?

Her: (very matter of factly she says) Write your problem or complaint on a piece of paper and toss it in the trash.

Me: I don't think that will make me feel better.

Her: Ok! Then put the toddler in the car, drive to McDonalds, order a cone and when you give the lady your money, slip your piece of paper in with your money and drive away!

Me: [imagining the look on the cashiers face, Stripper in her giant SUV with 8 kids.......] Have you tried this before?

Her: No! I flush mine down the toilet!

Me: Won't that clog your toilet eventually?

Her: Hasn't so far! I look at it this way. There's always someone out there who has it way worse and just as soon as you stop believing that, you'll find it out the hard way. Don't waste your time on the things that don't matter. Stop reading from that chapter. It already happened. It's time for the next book already! And if Frank ever mentions that the toilet is acting up, you don't know squat!

Me: That's for sure!

The moral of the story is......if you happen to work at my local McDonalds and one day you get a piece of paper that says "My toilet is clogged up and I don't have 2 pennies to rub together!", well, sorry! I had to do something. And like Stripper says "focus on the things that matter!" If you keep focusing on the things that cause the grief you need a swift kick. Everybody line up behind me! I'm first in line!

Success

Yesterday, I set up shop at a local fall bizarre.....I've mentioned it before. I was nervous. This was my first show, alone. I'm not good at selling. So, I worried that I wouldn't get a lot of sales. Basically, I wanted to minimize my stock. I have been working for a few months on various items and really didn't have anywhere to put it all. It had to go. So, I priced it to sell.

The show was small. I would say there were a dozen or so booths. When I got there most of the vendors had already set up and were just conversing with the other vendors. So, I felt like all eyes were on me. That made me feel uncomfortable. I love the things I make but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who loves them. I lack confidence sometimes. But, I started setting up my booth, keeping in mind that I was just here to prove to myself that I could do this alone and  I shut everyone else out. I focused on getting things set up and pushed forward.

Once I was done I stood back and smiled. My booth looked good. (I apologize for not taking pictures. Taking pictures in situations like that make me feel awkward. Kind of like the time when I followed a guy around walmart because he reminded me of a character from a Stephanie Plum book and I wanted to get a picture for my cousin. His wife said NO! ) Then, I sat down and organized my bags for easy access. That's when the other vendors came over to check my booth out. I always feel nervous when people step up to my booth. I start to feel like the little train that could! "I know I can!" Just smile and pretend like you have total control over your bladder!  

Well, enough of the play by play. The moral of the story is.......

I put myself in a position that scared the bejeezus out of me and found that it wasn't really any different than posting to this blog! Just because the people I'm directing my words at can actually see me as I'm talking.... it shouldn't cause me to panic! It wasn't bad! I had fun! I sold some things! I made a friend! I got a lot of compliments! If I hadn't put myself out there I would never know that I can do it. Or that it wasn't really anything to freak out about! Don't be skurd!

My Bucket List~Revised

Five years ago I threw away my bucket list. The things that were on it were not going to get crossed off at the rate I was going. I thought I wanted things that just weren't achievable. For example, Go to a Cubs Game (Who would I go with?).....Read 100 books (When would I have time?)......Repair something in my home (I don't own tools).

All of those things seemed so ridiculous to me. But I wrote them on a piece of paper. I sat down with a pen and paper and I wrote out the things that I truly wanted to do......for me. Not my family. Not my boys. And most certainly not my husband. Then one day, I think I was feeling like I was not worthy to achieve any of those things and that maybe I was being selfish for wanting anything for myself. It was almost as if I wanted to punish myself for something. I wasn't good enough for my husband so why should I be happy. That's what it was. I think I just had an epiphany.

Anyway, I ripped up that list. I tossed it in the trash and I didn't think about the things on that list for a while. My husband left. I fell apart. When I started seeing my counselor she told me I had to pick myself back up and heal myself, stop looking at the past and focus on the future. I had no idea how to do that. So, she suggested that I make a bucket list. It would be something to focus on. A way to move forward.

11. Get a Tattoo.....done.

 I didn't know how to put my own "wants" before others. So, when she told me to come back in a week with 10 things written on a piece of paper I thought "I might not be back!". It was too much work. Too hard to focus on me alone. But I did it! It makes me giggle now! I read over that list and I think "WOW! I'm a rock star!" Because I've crossed off most of the things and added a few....or revised it. Other people might think that the things on that list are silly and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own adventure.

This is the list I took to my counselor. I've marked the things I've since accomplished.

1. Go to a Cubs Game.......done! Thank you Jen!

2. Read 100 books.....done...read 100 more.

3. Drive to Arkansas with kids by myself....done.

4. Learn to forgive......done.

5. Learn to laugh at myself.....done.

6. Take a trip overseas.

7. Dye my hair pink......done.

8. Take a glass blowing class.

9. Hold a frog in my hand.....done (long story)

10. Repair something in my home.....done....scars to prove it.

I've added things to that list. I have about 31 things written down. These are things I want to do for myself and my family. I feel like I can include my family now. I've come a long way. Next week in craft class my girls will bring their own Bucket List. We'll talk about the things on their lists and figure out a way to achieve them. I'm looking forward to seeing what they've written. What's on your list?