26

Let me clarify. I struggle. It's not always rainbows and moon beams for me. Everybody struggles with something. And the things that others struggle with may not be a big deal to you. How many times have you said "Wow, I can't believe so and so is getting all worked about..." and then you pushed that person away? A small issue to you can mean life and death to someone else. Maybe that person is overreacting. It doesn't matter. You could be that one person to say "I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope it gets better for you" and that could be the thing that gives them hope. Or maybe that person is the one who you've reached out to several times and they keep falling in the same hole... do them a favor. Stop reaching out, let them stand on their own.

Recently, Ann Curry, news anchor for one of the major news shows, posted on twitter asking people to get involved in 26 random acts of kindness in honour of the victims of the Sandy Hook ordeal in Newtown. She got a huge response. Many people shared their random acts on twitter, hashtag #26acts. I believe in random acts of kindness and have posted on the subject before. I've been the recipient of such an act and let me tell you, when you're a single mom with two hungry boys to feed and your paycheck barely pays the bills a random act is a blessing you'll never forget. It was an instant attitude adjustment. 

But isn't it, random acts, something that we should be doing already? I mean, I am saddened by the shooting in Newtown. I feel for the families left behind and I believe we need to keep them in mind when helping a random stranger. At the same time, we should be doing things out of the blue any day of the week for no reason at all just to prove that their are still good people who don't need a reason other than compassion.

Smile at a stranger. Hold the door open for someone and smile while you do it. A smile is the most powerful thing sometimes and the best part is, it's free. I can't pay for other people's groceries and I know that a lot of people think a random act involves handing out hundred dollar bills but not everyone can do that. So smile more. 

Zombie Christmas Card

Tomorrow I'm going to start my holiday shopping. I haven't started. Not one gift under the tree or hidden in the closet. I'm begging for trouble, I know. I will go into that store though and I will smile when someone hits me with their cart. I will smile when someone takes too long choosing something, blocking my way to the next thing on my list. I will keep my mood positive and hope that my cheery grin won't scare people who know me and never see a smile on my face. In the process, I might just turn someones day around. Or not.     

Hammer Time

If you're reading this, congratulations. You made it through the end of the world. I think it's time to question a few experts, find out why they would spread such idiocies and cause people to freak out. Sure, it's fun but really? It's the holidays. Shopping alone is enough to get people in an uproar. Advertise $20 iphones at Walmart and then only carry two per store. That's how you get people freaked out and angry! Save the end of the world shenanigans.

Anyway, My daughter started preschool this year. Kids don't always share but when they do it's always germs and sickness. In this household we've been sick for a while. One person gets it and spreads it. The plague, that's what I've named it and just when you start to feel better... Wham! Like a hammer, it hits you again. Ugh! I'm so sick of being sick. Fed up!! This is the worst the plague has hit in a very long time. Even when my oldest son got the swine flu after having surgery, the rest of us stayed healthy.

So, I was complaining to my good friend, Stripper. She's a good listener. Hardly ever has input and in the end I usually talk myself into a solution to my problem. Gotta love her. Recently when I called to rant about the plague and how sick I am of being sick she did something that made me arch an eyebrow and say "I'm sorry, did you say something?" She said "Uh yeah! You quit using antibacterial dish soap!"

I did.

I most certainly did stop using antibacterial dish soap. See, I do dishes by hand. I'm old school like that. When did I stop using it? When school started. Why did I stop using it? Because I had a coupon. I got sucked into that coupon madness and bought a bottle of fancy Dawn dish soap that boasts "Overnight soaking power" and it's not lying. Fill your sink with hot water, add a dash of Dawn Power Clean, and your dirtiest caked- on dishes. While you put away the clean dishes, let the dirty ones soak for about five minutes. The crap practically falls off of the dishes. It makes my job do much easier. Now, normally I use the orange Dawn Antibacterial dish soap. It smells good and cuts the grease. Works good but doesn't do what the Power Clean does. Buying this new stuff felt a lot like cheating. I'm sorry Dawn Antibacterial. I still love you.

So, did I rush out and buy a bottle of the trusty old faithful? No. I put bleach in my dishwater and then I proceeded to wash everything and anything that my kids have touched; doorknobs, light switches, fridge handle, microwave buttons. I even cleaned the remotes and game controllers. I normally only bleach the bathrooms on a regular basis. I use Clorox wipes on things in the rest of the house when I have them but apparently I haven't had a coupon for that so we are without. I'm sure motivated housewives do this sort of thing every other day, adding bleach to their dishwater and washing everything in sight but I'm busy writing books. I'll have to make more of an effort if I want to kill the plague.

The point of this post is to bring awareness, to tell you... my TV remotes are clean. That is all.

Last Blog Post EVER.

Well, folks.
 
If the Mayans are right the world will end on Friday and this will most likely be my last blog post ever. I know. Not cool. At all. I like gathering here, despite the fact that you are all kind of quiet. I know you're there.
 
Here's my thought though. What if the Mayans couldn't count past...wait, never mind. Clearly they could count past twelve. Dang. There goes my big epiphany. That sucks.
 
Anyway, so it's that time of the year. The Christmas tree is up, decorated and still missing a star or other tree topper. There are no gifts under the tree, mainly because there aren't any and even if there were... kids cannot be trusted. With that being said, it can be stressful but no matter what is happening, whether the dishes are over flowing or the kids are at each others throats... you woke up this morning. You're alive. Don't be mad at that. Maybe you woke up next to the love of your life or got an email or text from the one person you can count on to put a smile on your face. It's more than some people get.
 

Insert Inspirational Quote here.

There are 26 families, maybe the count is 27 now, that won't have a Merry Christmas because some psycho walked into a school and made this the worst year of their lives. It breaks my heart and really pisses me off.
 
If you follow me on facebook you might've read that someone complained about my sky photos. Ugh. Get over it. I take those pictures to remind myself that there is something beautiful in each and every day. The clouds can be grey and to me they are still beautiful. I stop, each and every day and take a photo to remind myself that life is good, life is beautiful and I am alive. I'm a survivor. It keeps me sane.
 
So, whether this is our last week on this earth or the end is nowhere in sight, stop and be thankful that you are alive. Be thankful that you'll get another email, be thankful that you had to endure snores while you tried to sleep. Before you complain about something, stop to be thankful. And sing if you know the words, dance if the words move you. If it embarrasses someone, well you're doing something right! :)

Nutella fudge

<<<<Yes, that's the start of a beautiful thing. Nutella Fudge! I searched the Internet for a recipe that I was willing to tackle. My supplies are limited so I didn't want a recipe that called for a ton of sugar and etc. Pinterest has a few recipes but they gave me the run around. It seems like I clicked on one and it took me to a site that didn't have the actual recipe for the fudge. The next link took me to a recipe but never actually told me how much I needed of each ingredient. So, after much searching I finallygave up and contacted my good friend who also makes candy and this is what she sent me.

 

    1 can sweetened condensed milk, 1 tsp of vanilla extract, 8 oz of semi-sweet chocolate chips, 1 cup of Nutella and 3 tblsp of unsalted butter. Butter spray to coat your pan. She also suggested a double boiler and parchment paper and I'll get into that in a bit but first let me tell you how bad this idea was...making fudge. It was a bad idea because now I'm home alone with a batch of Nutella fudge and I've just realized that you can drop one of these cubes in with your cup of coffee and it is a beautiful thing.

 

 

   OK. So, you've got all of your ingredients. I literally killed an entire 13 oz jar of Nutella while making this. A cup of Nutella is pretty much most of one jar and then I had to have a few spoon fulls because that's how I do it. I do not own a double boiler thingy. My Mom gave me one once a long time ago and I had no clue what to do with it. I sold it in a yard sale like an IDIOT. Last night, since I was an idiot I used a small soup pan of water and a glass mixing bowl as my double boiler. Umm, It was not my favorite thing to do because my bowl wouldn't hold still while I was stirring and I had to hold on to it when it got hot but I'm over it. It worked in the end! Now, as far as the parchment paper, I don't buy it. I'm just too cheap. And to be honest, I had no problems getting this fudge out of the pan! Trust me!

 

 

    Alright, basic run down of what you're going to need to do. In my 8x8 pan I sprayed a generous coating of my cooking spray. I used butter flavor because who wants your fudge to taste like canola or olive oil. Not me. Spray that pan and set aside. Then, combine your other ingredients. I cut my butter into small chunks to help it melt faster. So, in my soup pan I have water already warming on the stove. I placed my mixing bowl of tasty goodness on top of the pan, don't let the water touch your bowl or it will scorch your stuff! I won't lie and tell you that I stood there and watched that stuff non-stop. I stirred it, walked away, watched a few minutes of whatever the kids were watching and then stirred the stuff. It might seem like the ingredients will never smooth out but don't worry, it does! I was careful not to over heat the stuff and cause the chocolate to seize. So when it was smooth and creamy I poured the thick chocolaty goo into my 8x8 pan and spread it out. It's thick! When you have it spread out in the pan you can put it in the fridge and let it set over night or all day. I did this before bed because otherwise I would've cut into it before it was fully set.

 

 

    To make cutting it easier, I ran my knife under hot water and then cut that fudge like it was BUTTER! I used a spatula to get it out of the pan and had no problems at all. I read in other recipes that you could sprinkle a little sea salt on the top and I bet that tastes good but all I had was kosher salt so I didn't try that. I did however drop one of these cubes in a cup of plain old coffee and let me tell you, it was delicious!! I bet it's just as good in a warm mug of milk!! 

You can.

   This is a pep talk for all those people who let the mood of others dictate their happiness.

   A long time ago when I was sad and didn't know I was secretly a queen in the form of a house wife, I let someone tell me I couldn't be happy. I was never told I couldn't be happy but sometimes actions speak louder than words and being in such low opinion of myself I thought I couldn't smile or laugh or see joy in the world if that person was so unhappy.

   I've learned a lot since then.

   The only person I can be mad at now is me. I allowed myself to get pulled into that unhappiness. I wasted a lot of years walking on eggshells. I had plenty of people telling me it was alright to laugh and seek happiness. I didn't listen. And then it was as if a switch was turned on and I saw the light. 

   It's ok. LAUGH. SMILE. DO SOMETHING FUN. ENJOY THE GIFT YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN (life). Don't give up on yourself!! I know times get tough. Believe me, I know!! But it boils down to this. You only have so much time. Do you want to spend it in the best way possible or crap it all away? If you want to make the best of the time you have then put a smile on that face and find something that makes you happy! Stop waiting for someone to give you permission. Be a Boss!

NaNoWriMo

It's National Novel Writing Month! If you read my previous post you know that I am participating and have set a goal of 50,000 words which is the size of a Novel... Hence the title of the post. I have yet to finish a novel. I've had plenty of good ideas but haven't been to complete the projects I've started. This time it's a little different though. I feel as if my current work in progress has a good direction and the best part is, I'm making good time and feel as if the words are flowing out and make sense!! Bonus.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo you should definitely read your messages on the site. I find them very inspirational and was happy to see that some big name authors have also participated over the years. It's nice to read their personal stories and reminds me that it's not alright to give up on my dreams. We have to start somewhere!

 

 

But, I think it's also important to find yourself a fellow writer who is trying to tackle this NaNoWriMo thing too. You can lean on each other when your family feels neglected and doesn't understand because lets face it... Not every husband or child gets it, this writing thing. They don't understand our passion or why we would even consider going all night, fingers to the keyboard. And that can crush a dream faster than my son can kill a weeks worth of groceries!

 

SO, Grab a friend and motivate each other!! 

Pride

Today I feel like a writer. I've asked myself what it's going to take to be a writer. College classes? Better grammar and punctuation? More free time? Approval from my peers? Someone once told me that setting deadlines for myself made me a writer, not meeting those deadlines made me a writer but I still didn't feel like  a writer.  Today, reading over what I wrote last night, I feel like a writer.

I will admit that it isn't often that I am proud of myself for things that I consider 'serious business' and I rarely toot my own horn but today I think I should just because I want to have something to read later on as a reminder of where I am in my writing.

I've taken a bit of a break from writing to focus more on finding a paying job. Apparently having money is more important than true happiness. (I'm being sarcastic)

Not being employed has taken its toll on my self esteem and at times I find myself struggling with my identity. The Mom in me tells the writer in me that she shouldn't be writing when there's laundry to be done or dishes filling the sink. And the woman in me says "Bitch, there are bills to pay! Get a job! How dare you sit at that computer and write. You don't deserve happiness if you can't feed your kids." I hate that woman.

So, I've yet to find a job. I've asked myself time and time again what I'm doing wrong, why can't I convince someone that I will be the hardest working person they have? I shake my head because I don't know and it's frustrating. So, I pour myself into the job search every morning until I can't see straight or keep up with who I've already begged, ignoring the urge to build fantasy worlds.

But, it's November and for writers worldwide that means it's time for NaNoWriMo! I've set a goal of 50,000 words, hoping to complete an entire novel in one month. Considering I have yet to finish ANYTHING I have a lot of work to do.... but I am happy to say that I have kicked that 50,000 word count square in the junk! I haven't knocked it out yet but I've given it something to think about. I'm proud of myself because what I've written speaks to me. I think it's good, possibly the best I've managed so far and I wanted to document how proud I am.

There are days when I have to convince myself that its ok to take time away from being a mom to do what makes me happy. I spend the day worrying about whether or not the kids are happy and forget that a happy mama is a healthy mama.

So, whatever it is that has hold of your heart, whatever it is that you are passionate about... Stop telling yourself that its silly. Stop justifying why you love it so much. BELIEVE in yourself and just do the damn thing! FOR YOURSELF! Be PROUD!

I'm also going to share some encouraging words that I was given a while back. A wise (somewhat insane) man once told me when I had doubt:  I try to keep this in mind; Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting in his entire life. He's considered an absolute master in his field, with only one sale. If he relied on the approval of others to keep him going he would have painted a couple of paintings and given up. He did it for himself, pleasure. That's all. 

Shower Power

Yesterday I helped host a baby shower for my sister. This is her first child and I don't think I know a more capable couple. I'm so happy for them and am so happy to have been a part of their special day.... Ok. enough of the niceties. Let's get on to the details of this shower, shall we?

First of all, we couldn't have a guest BOOK... we had to do things a little differently. I like keepsakes that you can showcase. Books are great if you want to read one but honestly, how often are you going to pull your baby book off of the shelf and read through it? Ok. So maybe you're the Mom who sits for hours and reminisces over these happy days. I don't have time for that. I'd rather have this fancy shcmancy tree hanging on the wall to look at as I'm making my 100th trip to the laundry room for the week. We could've had people write their names next to their fingerprint but the powers that be said it would look sloppy. Umm. It's fingerprints.... meaning they're not exactly neat.

I don't know where my ideas come from. Pinterest? Maybe. I see things there and say "Hmm. I think I can do better." No offense but I'm going to take an idea and run away with it and change my mind a million times. While planning this shower I couldn't give an honest answer regarding the theme because in all actuality, I had no idea where I was going with it. I knew there had to be a tree though. SO, I took paper bags from my many trips to the grocery store and constructed this tree in my dining room. Over a three or so week period I stared at it and thought about how to make it whimsy. I think it turned out well.

 

 

I had to hang something for the eye to follow across this big blank wall so I made these onsies out of scrapbook paper. Some were blank, some had bible verses and quotes and others were adorned with old buttons, ribbons and cute appliques. I personally love the color combo. My sister isn't big on the whole PINK thing so I wanted to put more green in. I chose different shades of green and pink for the leaves because it is early fall after all.

 

 

 

 

 

Here are a few more pictures to give you an idea of how I decorated the rest of the space. Enjoy! :)

 

Public Service Announcement

      This Public Service Announcement is brought to you by....

Err. Me?

   You have no idea how long I've been working on this post! My daughter has been relentless this morning. I came home, made a well balanced breakfast; eggs and toast with homemade jelly, restarted the washer (forgot about that load of socks last night! Sons of Anarchy was on!), swept the floor, took out the trash and all the while the toddler is attached to my leg screaming "Sit with me Mommy!" She needed some extra attention. So I sat with her while she played with her legos. After four minutes of me not being allowed to touch the legos I decided I had other things to do. Off to the dishes I went. She followed. This went on for several hours until I conquered every chore on my list. I allow myself a reward when it's done. I work on the blog or the facebook page I admin.....Shameless plug....If you have a facebook page/account come over and say hi at Reading Addicts.....or Jenny Phillips (author) page! Tell em' I sent ya! LIKE them! I like them!  Jenny Phillips page is a great place to show your support for an author and to hear about any upcoming books she has coming out! Reading Addicts is a good place to swap book suggestions and hear reviews.

    Speaking of reviews! That's actually why I'm here! It has been brought to my attention that most people/readers don't leave reviews after reading a book. I realize that we live in a world where it is far more common to air your bad opinion of an establishment or product than it is to say "Wow! That was great!" or "I love the folks down at the shop and save because they always greet me with a smile, even though they have four teeth between them." I want to take this opportunity to tell you how important it is for a writer to hear they've done something good!
   
    The more I write and speak with other writers the more I understand what it is all about. You pour your heart and soul into a piece of work, you release it and wait for the reviews. You want one person to give their approval. Or maybe you're the writer who could care less, either way, someone wants to know if the book was worth a look. Other readers want to know if they should be reading this book, right? If readers cease to leave a review all there will be is the sound of crickets. And even though crickets are nice to listen to while you're sitting on your deck with a cup of coffee or a beer at night, they are not a welcome noise for authors who need to know if their work is speaking to you or if they have room for improvement. Not all authors are picked up by big time publishers. That means they don't have a team of experts to give them high fives. We rely solely on our fellow writers and fans to encourage us! And maybe I'm confused about what a publishing company is suppose to do. I know there are Publishing Companies out there that are confused about what they are suppose to do..... a totally different topic which I will refrain from speaking about.  
   
    I recommended a book to a friend recently. She emailed me to say that she LOVED the book and passed it on to four more friends who all loved it too. I said "Awesome! Did you leave a review on amazon or goodreads?" and the crickets began to sing. "I don't know how to leave a review. I'm not a writer" she said. Well, Stripper (that's what we call her) you just left a review when you emailed me! Congrats! You now know how to leave a review!
   
    So, here's the thing. When I leave a review I like to share a few things. Did the book pull me in? Did it hold me there or did it roller coaster up and down? (because sometimes you're reading a book and the story drags on and then BAM! It picks up and you can't put the book down!) Readers want to know these things. Did the author make me fall in love with the characters? The author wants to know if they have built a relatable/likable/loathable character. I want to know that I was successful in making you hate a character! I try to bring to the authors attention that there are errors without being rude. I've read reviews where the reader says "Whoever edited this book should be shot" and to me, that is just rude. Please don't do that. Chances are the author is the same person that proof read, edited etc. and by making rude comments you're stomping on their dream..... Meanie Pants!

   Not everybody has time to write a review but if you're on goodreads they make it so easy to rate the book with stars! You don't have to explain why you gave it five stars but if you'd like to share you can! I love that some folks will give a book three stars and then go on to tell you why they rated it lower.

    Ok. So that is my Public Service announcement and you have no idea how many times I typed "public" and forgot the "l"......If that's any indication of how my day is going. I'm going to go read another book to the toddler and pour orange juice and protein down her throat just in case there is another cold brewing in there! Wish me luck!

  

Random Acts of Kindness

I worked at a Florist for a while as a floral designer. I loved that job!! Flowers make people happy... for the most part. When I arrived at work one of the first things I would do is wrap individual roses for the delivery drivers to hand out to random strangers on their route that day. I loved the idea of it and often wondered what it was like to walk up to a total stranger and hand them a rose. Did the person weep with joy or question it as if it was rigged to explode?

Sometimes I wondered if the drivers even handed them out at all. Maybe they took them home to their wife and skipped on the random act. But then one day on my lunch break I decided to run to the bank and cash my check. I realized as I walked into the bank that I had forgotten to take off my apron. A woman approached me and said "I love your flower shop. I was having the worst day. My husband was in the hospital, not doing well at all and I have a bad knee. I was making my third trip of the day to see him and I was emotionally and physically drained. One of your drivers gave me a rose as I was getting on the elevator. It made my day."

I didn't even give her the flower but I wrapped it and it made me feel good to be a part of something like that. To know that I took part in turning someones day around. There was a time when I was usually the reason someones day went to hell. Not something I'm proud of but now I am on a mission to be a better person.

Anyway, like a lot of people, I'm on facebook. Recently I received an invite to take part in a birthday celebration. A friend of a friend was having a birthday and wanted people to join her in a day of Random Acts of Kindness. I didn't hesitate! I joined!

Well, her birthday rolled around and I set off about my business, taking the kids to school, picking them up, laundry, gas station. I didn't have any money to spare. Every penny I had went in the gas tank. See, my idea of a Random Act is paying for someones fountain drink or buying a kid a fifteen cent sucker. That wasn't an option for me though. I was broke. I had to think about it, what should I do?

I decided that holding my tongue and not telling people off was an act of kindness but quickly corrected myself when I heard that little angel on my shoulder whisper, "You idiot! That's common courtesy! Not a random act" and yes, she talks to me that way.

I was in a bad mood, tired, sick and ready to climb in bed but still hadn't completed my random act of kindness. I felt like Mrs. Scrooge. I'm a bad person. I asked myself what would help turn my day around.

A COMPLIMENT!!

So, I searched the house for loose change and drove to the gas station to buy a 2 liter of pop... or soda for the kids. They'd appreciate that! I waited in line and when it was my turn to pay for my purchase I looked at the haggard woman standing behind the counter. She was wearing a pair of peacock feather earrings. I said "I like your earrings. They bring out the pretty blue in your eyes." She looked at me, arched both eyebrows and said "You a lesbian or something?" I stood, stunned... speechless and the line of people behind me erupted in laughter. They laughed long and hard. One man actually had tears in his eyes.

I don't see it as defeat, her calling me out on my compliment wasn't a failed random act of kindness. Some people just don't know how to take a compliment. I may not have made her feel good but I think it's safe to say I made the folks in line behind me feel good. Even if it was at my own expense. So, here's a challenge. Today, I want you to pay someone a compliment. It doesn't even have to be a stranger. Do it and see what happens. Pay it forward.

 

Comfort Food

   Everybody has that go-to meal that puts them in a happy place. I have a meal that reminds me of childhood, of my Mom and my Granny. I insist that my Mom make it every time I visit. This last time, I asked her to make a double batch because I planned on eating it for days and at every meal.

Porcupine meatballs.

It's not made out of porcupine but if you want to pretend it's some exotic food then go for it. You can tell your friends that you wrestled a porcupine and with ungloved hand, plucked the quills and made a native American head dress out of them....donated it to the needy. Or you can just tell them it's hamburger and rice! Be boring. I don't care!

This is an easy meal to make. I serve mine with mashed potatoes and home made bread. And by home made I mean the frozen stuff that you literally place in a greased pan, covered with plastic wrap and let thaw and rise all day. Super easy and makes the house smell so good! My Mom always made home made bread from scratch but I'm not that good and making bread is a lot like math to me, I don't get it.

I serve this with mashed potatoes and broccoli or you could always make extra rice to pour your gravy over.

So, this is what you'll need to make this exotic comfort food.

1 lb. of Hamburger
1/2 cup uncooked rice (not minute rice!!)
1 tbl spoon minced onion (I love it)
1 tsp salt (I add a pinch more)
1/4 tsp. pepper (I eyeball it)
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 cup water

*Note: I don't add the full amount of rice to the meat mixture. Add a 1/4 of it with the soup and water.


Ok. Let the fun begin!

First, Mix the hamburger, rice, minced onion, salt and pepper in a large bowl.

Now, begin shaping your meat mixture into meatballs. Mom makes them big enough or small enough, depending on how you look at it, to fit in the palm of her hand.

Brown the meatballs in your pan. I used my big Paula Dean Skillet.

While you're browning your.....meatballs, go ahead and mix the soup with the cup of water. I'll admit, I used Cream of onion tonight plus a can of cream of chicken because I doubled the recipe. Pour your soup mixture over the meatballs and bring to a boil. NO need to drain the fat! Unless you want to but I didn't. I dropped the heat and let things simmer for an hour. You're using long grain rice. That stuff takes some time to cook!

You could also cook this in the crock pot. I haven't tried it in the slow cooker but I'm sure it would be as equally tasty. I have teenage boys and a grown man to feed. So, like I said, I doubled the recipe. BUT!!!! instead of adding all of the rice to my meat mixture I left out a 1/4 cup and mixed it in with my rice. My Mom says it will help the meatballs stay together. And it worked out. The meatballs were solid and very very good. It was as if I was at my Moms house....only with a lot less books.

The Book of Hadley

A sneak peak from a work in progress:

  

   Occasionally, you’ll hear women talk about how they “lost themselves”. They got married, had babies, left their job to stay home and just let who they were as an individual fall away. It happens and most of the time we don’t even know that it’s happening. Usually, we’re so swamped with being an adult that we don’t realize that we’ve lost ourselves or that it’s even a bad thing until it’s too late. We stop pursuing our dreams, cut ties with friends or forget what we stand for. Sometimes we don’t even know ourselves at all. We let someone else mold us into the punching bag or door mat; we become something we’re not. Helpless.                                                                                                                                                                  

I couldn’t tell you the exact date that I lost myself but I can tell you the date I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim anymore, I was going to be someone my daughter would look up to,no matter how tall she got.
I will never forget the day, June 18^th.  That’s when it happened, when I came to a screeching halt at the cross roads. I had to make a decision. Would I lie down and take it or stand on my own two feet and fight back?                                                                                  
For some women, facing a decision like that, the answer is obvious. Something happens in their life and they have this epiphany.They realize that their life isn’t what they want it to be. They wake up and say "I'm going to change my ways". My epiphany came in the form of a broken nose, two black eyes, a lacerated spleen, a fractured wrist, bruised kidneys and four broken ribs…..among other things.   
 
__________________________________________________________________________________

Domestic violence is something I try to campaign against. Nobody wants their loved one to encounter an abusive partner. Writing this story put me in a bad place emotionally and I had to step away for a brief period. I have finished the story but part of me second guesses it. It needs serious polishing and I'm not sure I have done Hadley justice. So, it's back to the drawing board after I take some time off to focus every brain cell on getting a job. You know, something that actually generates income. Hopes and dreams don't put gas in the car. Unfortunate, isn't it. I'd be able to go to the moon and back.

Thank you to those who support my hopes and dreams and a special thanks to those who have lent an ear. You know who you are. :)

Small people

This is an important message from Mark Twain:

A Ten dollar gift card and a choice

    I truly have become a reading addict. I am addicted to reading. I can't get enough. Sometimes I fall so madly deeply in love with a book that I literally cannot put it down. I take it to the bathroom with me and read. Not while I'm on the toilet. That's where I meditate. I literally hide with the door locked. Sometimes I'll even lie and say I have explosive....well, you get the idea, just so I can get through one more chapter.

    Recently, I found myself driving, alone which rarely happens, to Target to get toilet paper. I NEVER go to Target alone and bonus, I had a ten dollar gift card. High Five. So, anyway, I thought "Ok Tasha, it's time to do something mature. You have to buy something you actually need." So, as I walked to the store from my Jeep, I decided I would buy a new shirt or if you're my Granny, a blouse... in case I got called for a job interview. I can't very well wear my husbands old T-shirts, the things I've been living in lately.

   So, there I was standing in Target, staring at the clothes section. They have cute and affordable shirts. I hesitated to enter the arena.

    And then I walked to the books....just to browse!! I was only going to browse! I swear but then I found this book. The cover wasn't very interesting to be honest with you but it spoke to me. Or maybe it was the sign that said "If you loved 50 Shades of Grey, You'll love this ---->"
I don't know. I read the title without picking the book up..."Switch" by Megan Hart. I don't read the back of books. I'll normally read the first page. If it catches my interest I'll read the entire thing. This book though.....I picked it up and opened to page nine and read these two sentences before anything else:

" I love the way a blank sheet of paper looks when it's waiting to be written on. Anything can happen in those moments before you put pen to paper."

   You see, this book really did speak to me because those words, that's how I feel about writing. Anything can happen and it's all up to me. I did the irresponsible thing and took that book to the cashier and said "Ring me up before I change my mind." I used my gift card and then counted change until I had the book paid for. Then, I walked out without buying toilet paper. Oops.

   But isn't that what an addict does? Push everything to the side to get one more fix? I devoured that book in one day like a junky with a quarter size rock of crack. I couldn't put it down and at the end I was like "Wo! That was intense."

    If you like the raunchiness of 50 Shades of Grey, you know, the SEX and you're not afraid of the "f" bomb or other various dirty words then this book could be just what you've been looking for. And that's all I have to say about that because I have MOM things to do.

 

This awesomeness

   I promised myself I wouldn't post anymore sappy posts for a while. So, in keeping with that promise, please enjoy this piece of art that I can't seem to photograph without making it blurry or dark or small or well... you get the idea!! This guy, Daniel Stormont, is a far better artist than I am a photographer.
 
 
   This has become one of my most prized possessions. As a matter of fact, I have printed a sign that hangs on my door like the ones you see with pictures of pets, a notice to firefighters letting them know how many pets are inside so they know to rescue them. Well, I don't have any pets. So, I would like the firemen to rescue this painting. Don't judge me.
 
   I would also like to explain why this is so special to me.  I got this as a gift from my sister...you've read about her. She's actually my cousin but we grew up together etc. It wasn't my birthday. It wasn't my anniversary and I didn't win it in a bet. She saw it and thought of me. Maybe it's because from a distance this woman in this painting is just another pretty damsel in a dress but then you get closer and realize that she is truly flawed, like me. Sure from a distance I'm probably not bad to look at but then you get up close and realize that I have wrinkles around my eyes from laughing too much and my eyebrows are in need of landscaping (I've never plucked and have no interest in that torture). I always have a zit between my eyes or on my chin. Or like today, both.

   I hung this in my bedroom on the wall directly in front of where I sit and write. When I get stuck on something I stare at it.... the painting. I use to stare at the wall. It encourages me to push on and never forget what I'm aiming for in a story, something offbeat and write about characters who are well.....flawed, like me. 


Artist Daniel Stormont...What shall we name her?

A summer review

Is it seriously time for the kids to go back to school? The summer was too hot and not nearly long enough! My oldest son is a senior this year (pulls out several tissue from box) and I'm not ready for his graduation. I remember his first day of school like it was yesterday! Time does fly by!

At the beginning of the summer, I promised myself I would read and write everyday while the kids were out for summer break. Did I stay true to that promise?

Of course I didn't! I have children who think me holding a book or notebook is a sign that I'm bored and need something to do. So I was unable to meet my writing goals but did surpass my reading goal! Go me! I keep track of that on Goodreads, don't ask me how many books I read. I stopped counting at six.

Sometimes we set unrealistic goals for ourselves and it sucks when we look back and see that we didn't meet any of them. But!!!! As long as we try and never give up, we're doing something right. Even if you're spinning your tires, at least you're pushing on the gas (being productive, trying, etc.).... Sure sounds like a good one to me!

So, I took a trip to my Moms in Arkansas this summer. It was a spur of the moment trip because my Mom had to have surgery. I wanted to be there to take care of her. So I piled the kids and the laptop in the Jeep and hit the road. I normally don't drive the entire twelve hours that it takes to get there but this time my husband stayed behind to reclaim some of his sanity. I managed to make it to my Moms and back without any incident or speeding tickets. The time in the car was actually enjoyable. We burned two CD's with our road trip music and sang until we just couldn't sing anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, the boys did have their earbuds in their ears quite a bit. And here I thought they put up with my singing very well.

I wanted to stop everywhere and take pictures of the things we saw but we got held up in traffic several times and the trip was already long enough. So, I had to settle for a picture of this cow! Isn't she cute!?

So, what's in store for me now? Well, once again I am promising to READ or Write each day. Preferably, WRITE since I am behind on that goal. I'm also putting together a baby shower for my sister, making some super cute things for that and I'll share them sometime in October. I am also job hunting, fingers crossed on that one. Mama needs a new bra and all that stuff.

I tried out several pinterest recipes over the summer and hope to share them with you. I like to test them out and then let you know how it turned out or what I did differently! So, what's new with you?

The things we don't talk about Volume One

There are things that families don't speak of. Suicide.

The word makes my heart race. It scares me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. And this is where I have to take a break to gather myself, wipe the tears away and when my kids walk through the room and flash me a questioning look... I can't explain to them what the problem is because I can't speak of it.... out loud.

Suicide.

It happens. I bet you know someone who has tried it or maybe unfortunately accomplished it. I'm sorry for your loss or the stress it put on you and your family. And if the case may be, I'm sorry that you went through it yourself.

I remember standing at the kitchen sink. It was a bad day. A lot of stress. We had just moved into our first house. We were renters for years and this house was a big deal. We did all of the remodeling ourselves and even though me and my husband at the time didn't agree on the decor, we managed to meet in the middle and I was pretty exhausted by the whole process.

I was having female issues, had been on my period (sorry guys) for 72 days and the doctor put me on birth control to try to help it end. I was taking 4 birth control pills a day! I was an emotional wreck. The kids were at odds and my oldest boy was causing problems in school. I felt like a failure and wondered if my family would be better off without me. Other problems arose and I thought it was all too much to deal with.

Now, I cannot believe I was ever in that place emotionally/mentally.

I was washing dishes and watching the cars drive on the road behind our house. They travelled at high speeds since it was a country road. And then suddenly I put my dish rag in the sink and moved toward the door, into the back yard because I knew that all I had to do was step out into the road at the last minute and it would all be over.

No more pain. No more sadness. NO more disappointment. No more ME.

And now I know, no more future. No more Toddler or new husband. No more writing group. No more pictures to prove I grew monster tomato plants. No more dreams. No more laughter. No more seeing how well my kids grew up despite my efforts to warp them... mwahaha!

I didn't make it to the road....obviously. I can't say that it was my kids who pulled me out of that ugly place. It wasn't even my husband. It was my Mom and the fact that I was always so afraid to disappoint her. I knew that she would be devastated if I stepped out in front of that truck. I didn't want her to be heart broken. She is the one person in my life, at that point that I knew loved me unconditionally.

I know better now.



Two Tomato plants at war for one space...who will win?

So now my secret is out. You know now.

I bring this up because I've recently been reminded of that day. My seventeen year old had a fight with his girlfriend and you know how teenagers are. I looked into his eyes and felt the panic flood in. I wanted to run around the house and hide the rat poison and pain killers. I wanted to throw out the knives and sharp objects. Hell, I even considered hiding the power tools. I saw the signs. Feeling unworthy, hiding away, horrible mood swings.


Please know that however bad it is for you at this very moment, it gets better! But you have to give it a chance to get better first. Don't give up! And please, ask for help. That is the hardest part of getting through, admitting that it happened or could happen. Or at least for me it was.

1-800-273-talk or 1-800-273-8255

That's the number for the Suicide Prevention Hot line. They have a slogan... With help comes hope. It is the truth. You need a little help and then you'll start to see that there is hope! I promise! I know!! It will get better!

Time out...

I have no patience at all. Sitting on a beach, waiting for the sun to set has been something I've wanted to do but didn't have the patience to actually sit and do. And honestly, I didn't even take the time to do that when I took this picture. I took it as we were driving by the beach... I didn't even roll my window down.

I think sometimes you just have to stop what you're doing and let everything fall to the wayside. Take the time to sit and appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds you! The setting sun, the kids playing at the park.... don't be the creeper that shows up to the park without a kid though...awkward!

I recently took the time to sit on my back porch/deck to enjoy a cup of coffee. My intentions that morning were simple. Make a pot of coffee, sit on the porch and plan out my sisters baby shower. I do my best planning when I am alone and don't have 10 people shouting/whispering ideas into my ears. I need to sit back and think about why we're having this baby shower. To celebrate life. This is about my sister and her husband, the best couple you'll ever meet and one of the most deserving set of parents in the world. I love them to pieces and want this shower to represent who they are to me.

They are the calm without the storm, a ray of sunshine during the darkest of days and a long traveled somewhat bumpy road. The journey for them to become parents has not been easy and I'm so happy to finally be a part of a special day where friends and family from both sides will gather and show some love.

If you have something on your mind, stress is taking over and you can't think straight sometimes its best to remove yourself from the situation for a bit. I'm not saying that you should pack a bag, hop in your car and run away...although at times that does seem like an exhilarating experience. I'm saying, shut the phone off, make a picnic lunch and head down to the beach and watch the waves come in. Let everything else wait! ME TIME is so important! Try it. If it doesn't work, try again and again.

When my boys were little and I would get overwhelmed I wouldn't always handle it with grace but when I did deal with it.... sounds like one of those pins on pinterest....I don't always keep my cool but when I do it involves chocolate cupcakes! Yeah! That's what I said! I made a batch of chocolate cupcakes and put fancy frosting on them. I listened to music and danced in the kitchen while I baked them. We had a lot of cupcakes!

Sure, when all of the cupcakes were gone and reality set in I still had bills I couldn't pay and people I wanted to punch in the face but I was refreshed and felt more capable of handling the situation without pulling my hair out!

You see what I'm saying? Time out! Breathe! Clear your mind! Back to work!

Anyway, find that thing that simmers the raging inferno of frustration and feed on it when you get stressed. Wait! Maybe that was bad. Don't turn to stress eating to make you feel better! I would never suggest that you use food like that! OK. I'm going now before I encourage you to do something even worse...

Mutiny....

   Have you ever posted something on facebook or twitter and then read it out loud, thinking..."That sounded goofy coming out of my mouth?"...

   Yeah. Me either! Because a lot of goofy stuff comes out of my mouth. But I read what other people post and think "Wow! I can't imagine that actually coming out of his/her mouth in real life!" You know, because what we post on facebook and twitter or other social media sites, is not in fact real life. I'm learning that for most folks it's what ever they want others to believe about their life.  It's their fantasy world.

   Post upbeat status updates and check in at all the cool fun places so people will think that you're living the good life. In reality, you're using a credit card you will never be able to pay off and secretly can't stand the people you hang out with or your significant others kids drive you NUTS.  Complain how you have it so hard when in fact you have it better than the average American. Please go on and tell me how much you hate your job as I sit here filling out the 29th job application of the year. But, it's your post, please, carry on. But I have one request...

Please. Stop whining.

   Please.Stop whining and look around you. Do you see the trees swaying in the breeze? Perhaps you live in Arizona, do you see the sunshine, feel the heat on your skin? Well, congrats! You're still alive and if your life is that sad and pathetic that hearing the words "You're alive" make you feel sad... You need to make some changes my friend.

   You don't know where to start? Understandable!! Believe me! I've been there! I've been the woman who was sprawled out on the floor, balling my eyes out, my world torn apart and I said "Now what?" I had no idea where to begin. And for every body there's a different guide book but I will tell you this. The first thing you have to do is pick yourself up off the damn floor and STOP crying! And then, look around you. Look at the blessings in your life. Don't give the negative more thought than the positive. Find something that makes you happy (NOT DRUGS or Booze) and do it.

   Me? I do several things. Recently I've started taking a photo a day on instagram. Each day I have to take a picture of something in particular. Today the theme is "BIG" and yesterday it was "lunch". It's not often that I eat lunch so that was hard. I know you might be thinking "That's what makes you happy?" and the answer is yes, it does. It gives me goals and checking them off my list is satisfying. Isn't that what we all want? Satisfaction?

   You can't get NO? (satisfaction) Well, fight for it, chase it down, make it happen. It's all on you baby! Captain that ship!

   Anyway, If I can encourage one person to take a long look at their life and admit "I'm so unhappy I can't stand myself" and make a change for the better, then I will stop posting these annoying segments of self help! lol ...or maybe not.

   So, tell me, what are you doing to make yourself happy today?

Undecided

This is a parenting post...In case you were expecting something writing related. I don't want to disappoint you by rambling on about the toddler. You've been warned but don't worry. This is not about constipation. I've posted about that before and a few people complained. It happens, get over yourself.


Moving on......


The toddler. Miss E. Her royal highness. She has many names here at the Imperfectionists Guide. She's three years old.....Is she still a toddler? Anyway, doesn't matter. Lately, she has decided that she is indeed, a BOY! At first, I thought "Well, we haven't explained to her what makes boys and girls different." and now that we've told her over and over that she is a girl, she still insists that she is a boy. Actually, she gets very upset if you try to tell her otherwise.


This is where I unveil my true identity......I'm a selfish Mama. I want my baby girl, the pretty little princess that likes to wear pigtails and cute frilly outfits and sparkly shoes. I have two teenage boys. I've always been outnumbered and it would be great to have my sweet baby girl to paint toenails with.


But, then there's the side of me that wants a child who is happy with her own identity or comfortable in her own skin. I don't want her to feel awkward at all. Being a kid, nowadays, is hard enough.

And as I write this, she is changing her clothes yet again, something more girly, complete with sequined hat! I don't ask if she's a boy or girl today. I just go with the flow, skaking my head and smiling.

Some days she brings me the hair brush and ponytail holder and asks me to put her hair up. Other days she refuses to let me because she says "Boys don't wear their hair up!" I feel like I live with someone with multiple personalities!

When I was a teenager I pierced my nose with a very large safety pin. Yikes! My Mom was furious and refused to look at me while I had the tiny gold ball in my nose. I didn't do it because my friends thought it was cool. I did it because it felt right (nevermind the fact that it hurt like hell)! I don't know how many times people stopped and asked me "Why?" and at that age, 16 or 17, I had no idea to explain to people that I did it because I wanted to. Most people didn't understand that concept. They only understood "right and wrong" or what was acceptable. My Mom, being the super MOM that she is told me to keep the hideous gold ball but she wasn't happy about it. Eventually, it ran its course and I took it out, only to repierce my nose many many years later! It's who I am. I have tattoos and I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't mind being different.

So, here I am, with a daughter who is undecided on her gender. Or is she? Maybe she's surrounded by so many boys that she has taken on thier identity, fitting in with the crowd. Maybe Mama needs to wear more dresses and makeup! lol Maybe like me and my nose piercing, she will grow out of it and take it back up when she's an unhappy adult! We will see! :)