Pride

Today I feel like a writer. I've asked myself what it's going to take to be a writer. College classes? Better grammar and punctuation? More free time? Approval from my peers? Someone once told me that setting deadlines for myself made me a writer, not meeting those deadlines made me a writer but I still didn't feel like  a writer.  Today, reading over what I wrote last night, I feel like a writer.

I will admit that it isn't often that I am proud of myself for things that I consider 'serious business' and I rarely toot my own horn but today I think I should just because I want to have something to read later on as a reminder of where I am in my writing.

I've taken a bit of a break from writing to focus more on finding a paying job. Apparently having money is more important than true happiness. (I'm being sarcastic)

Not being employed has taken its toll on my self esteem and at times I find myself struggling with my identity. The Mom in me tells the writer in me that she shouldn't be writing when there's laundry to be done or dishes filling the sink. And the woman in me says "Bitch, there are bills to pay! Get a job! How dare you sit at that computer and write. You don't deserve happiness if you can't feed your kids." I hate that woman.

So, I've yet to find a job. I've asked myself time and time again what I'm doing wrong, why can't I convince someone that I will be the hardest working person they have? I shake my head because I don't know and it's frustrating. So, I pour myself into the job search every morning until I can't see straight or keep up with who I've already begged, ignoring the urge to build fantasy worlds.

But, it's November and for writers worldwide that means it's time for NaNoWriMo! I've set a goal of 50,000 words, hoping to complete an entire novel in one month. Considering I have yet to finish ANYTHING I have a lot of work to do.... but I am happy to say that I have kicked that 50,000 word count square in the junk! I haven't knocked it out yet but I've given it something to think about. I'm proud of myself because what I've written speaks to me. I think it's good, possibly the best I've managed so far and I wanted to document how proud I am.

There are days when I have to convince myself that its ok to take time away from being a mom to do what makes me happy. I spend the day worrying about whether or not the kids are happy and forget that a happy mama is a healthy mama.

So, whatever it is that has hold of your heart, whatever it is that you are passionate about... Stop telling yourself that its silly. Stop justifying why you love it so much. BELIEVE in yourself and just do the damn thing! FOR YOURSELF! Be PROUD!

I'm also going to share some encouraging words that I was given a while back. A wise (somewhat insane) man once told me when I had doubt:  I try to keep this in mind; Vincent van Gogh sold only one painting in his entire life. He's considered an absolute master in his field, with only one sale. If he relied on the approval of others to keep him going he would have painted a couple of paintings and given up. He did it for himself, pleasure. That's all.