It's the little things

I've always tried to leave little notes and things for my husband and the kids around the house to let them know that I'm thinking of them or that I appreciate something they've done. And sometimes I will even leave a note to myself! You should try it! Especially when you're up digging through the fridge in a delirious stupor at 2 in the morning. You never know what you're going to say to yourself! I was up til 2 this morning with the toddler and by the time she fell asleep I was singing Yankee doodle dandy! True story!

Pulling me down hard.

This week there is an inner struggle going on in my head. So many things that I shouldn't let pull me down, into depression, things that I have no control over, that happened a long time ago. I just can't push it out of my head. You know how you go over the what ifs? Well, those are the things that I struggle with.

There are a lot of things that I have been able to let go of, push them out, come to terms with the fact that it happened and I can heal and move on but there are also things that I just keep holding on to and I get angry with myself for allowing it to happen.

 Two years ago, at a very inconvenient time in my life, I was pregnant. Oh what a blessing! Ummm. Sure. In my case it was more like "Oh Crap! Where are we going to fit one more person in the budget let alone the house or my Jeep!?" We live in a small 3 bedroom house and we barely have room for all of us. Bursting at the seams is an understatement.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful and wouldn't love a new baby to pieces because I finally wrapped my head around it and came to terms with the fact that I was going to be splitting my time between 4 beautiful children. I was in love with the idea actually. However, other members of the household weren't so happy and it was a bit of a buzz kill.

I pushed on though.

We tip toed around the pregnancy subject for a while until everyone became more comfortable with the idea and soon it didn't seem like such a bad thing. Sure, we were going to be so broke we'd have to grow our own food and sell everything we valued to keep afloat but how is a baby ever a bad thing?


Things with the pregnancy were normal, my levels were normal blah blah! I was tired all the time and couldn't keep up with the toddler but I managed. I took my vitamins, cut out 97 percent of the caffeine and ate way more fruits and veggies than humanly possible. I craved salads all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night and want a salad!

Soon I was picking out names, for a boy. Little overalls and plaid shirts were all I saw. A sweet little boy in a ball cap, chasing my husband around, that's what I imagined. It was a sweet thought but a thought that would sadly never become reality.

There are so many women out there who suffer the loss of a child. No matter how far along we are into the pregnancy there is always the "would've been's or what if's", always that heartache. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. I've gone over it in my head so many times. Was I not a good enough mom? I would've made it work, I know it! What else could I have done?

Does it matter now? It's in the past. I guess not but there's still that idea that I did something wrong or that maybe I was wrong to think I had enough love to go around. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think it's a quality that all mothers have, the ability to take on things that are out of our control and then feel extreme guilt when we can't move mountains.

I went in for a regular appointment for a check up. I felt fine. The midwife helped me onto the "slab" to listen to the baby's heart beat and after about 10 minutes of searching, she brought out the ultrasound machine...........my baby didn't have a heartbeat.

I could see her tiny little nub hands and feet. She was bigger than I thought she would be. All I could do was stare at her black and white image on the screen. I couldn't cry. I felt like someone was sitting there telling me "Sorry, you're just not what we're looking for right now. You can't be this child's mother." It's so silly now that I think about it. I felt like I couldn't cry in front of anyone over a baby I didn't deserve or didn't have the money to support in the first place.

And yes, it turns out, the baby was a girl but you know what, she would've been the cutest little thing in overalls and a ball cap, just like her big sister.

The next day, I had surgery. I came home in a daze and silently mourned my baby, the baby that I felt I had no right to mourn. I refused to ask for help. I stayed in my room and hid from my family, refusing to pick myself back up because I didn't feel I deserved to.

Time has gone by so fast that it hardly seems like two years. Yet, here I am, beating myself up on the Internet. A pile of Kleenex sitting on the table by my laptop. Ewww. I'll make sure to use a Clorox wipe later. This is not a cry for sympathy. This is a call for women to stop beating ourselves up over things that we just can't control. I'll have my cry and then I'll keep going because to do it any other way would be counter productive.

Encourage Then stand back.

I wouldn't say I was ever discouraged by my mom when it came to expressing myself or creativity. I mean, she let me walk around with an earring in my nose when I was 15 years old. Keep in mind that this was taboo at the time! My mom tolerated it and I love her for that. She let me hang tiny mirrors all over my bedroom which didn't look bad but the toothpaste I used to adhere the mirrors didn't smell great after a while.

My Granny on the other hand, well she encouraged me to sew and embroidery but then nit picked the way I did things. I did beautiful embroidery! I just didn't do it her way. I didn't do most things her way and this caused many many bad days in my house.

My thoughts, as a parent, encourage the kiddos to be creative and then get the hell out of the way! Let them do their thing! Today the toddler found my iPhone laying on the table, brought up my hipstamatic app and began snapping pictures! She did an amazing job of capturing things as she sees them! I let her do it! This is how we help our kids feel comfortable with who they are! Now when she comes with her face pierced.....I'm going to have to remind myself that she has to have a sense of individuality! Oy!

I still fit into the ring I wore in high school!

This story might blow your mind. Or it might make you run off and look for your own class ring. Either way, listen to this!

I graduated from high school in the 90's. We don't need to discuss the year, it's not important. Like a lot of high school students, I talked my mom into buying me a class ring! She was a single mom, working 2 jobs and going to school so i know she worked very hard for everything we had.

After many days of scanning the class ring catalog I finally picked out my class ring. Gold with hearts on one side because I didn't play sports and an Eskimo on the other because......well that was our school mascot!! I even got my signature engraved on the inside. It was beautiful and I loved it to death!

Then, a year and a half later I moved into my uncles house and lost my ring. I was heartbroken! I searched everywhere! I didn't want to tell my mom because I was ashamed that I lost something she worked so hard for.

Fast forward about 18 years........maybe more.....

It was my birthday. My family has a favorite local restaurant that we frequent, especially to celebrate a birthday. As we sat waiting for our food my son showed off his class ring. When I was asked if I had a class ring I had to tell my sad tale of irresponsibility and it made me sad.

We left the restaurant that night and headed home. My sister, who did not attend my bday dinner sent a text asking if I had a class ring in high school. "funny! We were just talking about that! I lost it remember?" .....she text me back "Carla found it behind the garage"

So just to clarify I called her. Sure enough, it was my ring! While doing yard clean up, someone found it in the dirt! After so many years I have been reunited with my class ring and I am happy to announce, it still fits!!!

Overcome.

I have finished writing a book. It is a book that I started years ago. Not the first book I ever started  writing but one of the first ones. I'm pages away from finishing revisions and suddenly I can't look at it. I feel panicky. If that's even a word. I keep thinking "what if people don't like it".

This takes me back to the beginning, when I decided that I was going to be serious about writing, not just posting to this blog but actually putting a story together into book form. Not my story, that would be way too much dysfunction for one book. Originally, I got serious because it was something I loved to do, write, and I wanted to do something that made me happy. I wanted to follow a dream and all that mattered was finishing a book, maybe publishing through amazon as an ebook. I wanted to entertain people. In a way, I wasn't doing it for anybody but myself and entered into this with the "It doesn't matter what other people think" attitude. But then I have nights like tonight when I panic and think "OH NO! I'm putting myself out there and it feels funny"...................And I doubt myself.

It's a curse.

Someday, I will come to terms with the fact that I can't achieve it if I don't go after it. If I don't take chances...........That's failure.

I have overcome many things, my insecurities are not one of them. It's time to flourish, right? So, now I go back to work and get these six pages out of the way and send it off to the few people that have been supportive of this craziness. And by the way, if you're reading this...........Thank you in advance.

The Avengers and the Nerd Convention

Chris Hemsworth as Thor

First of all, I think I might've changed my mind about being a writer when I grow up. Instead, I think I would like to be Thors leotard............OK. I'm sorry. That was out of line. Let me try this again......When I grow up I want to be Natasha, the character Scarlett Johansson plays in the blockbuster movie The Avengers! She kicks @ss!!!! And she has awesome hair.

I'll be honest with you, when my son asked me if I would take him to see this movie when it came out I was reluctant. I like action movies but I am not up to date on my super heroes so I thought I would be lost but my son made sure I did my homework and bought the movie THOR for me to watch as a prerequisite. (I would also suggest that you watch Captain America)

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, The Avengers is based on the Marvel Comics and features superheroes such as Iron Man, Thor, The Hulk, Nick Fury, Captain America etc. In the movie, the Avengers assemble after Thors brother Loki tries to take over earth, turning all of humanity into slaves. I won't give away the entire movie but the story line works for me.

Tom Hiddlestin as Loki

I don't care who you are, you will love this movie!!!! It has action, lots and lots of action. It has hot, strong guys, sweaty guys, green guys, guys in leotards......you get the picture. The villain in the movie, Loki, who was played by the amazingly talented Tom Hiddlestin has to be the best bad guy ever. I love to hate him and I hate to love him, he was that good! You've probably seen him in the movie War Horse, he played the soldier who bought or rented the boys horse. I loved him in that movie too, even if he was only in it for a short time.  And let me just tell you it is funny!  There were so many times that everyone in the theatre laughed out loud. I can't say one bad thing about the movie! Even the previews were awesome....well, except for the new Tim Burton movie, Frankenwienie, it didn't exactly scream action packed summer flick but there's always gotta be one oddball in the group.

Speaking of oddballs, People dressed up as their favorite super hero. I felt a little out of place.  It was a Nerd convention up in there! The nerds were easy to spot too. They were the ones running to their seats. The Nerdiness was thick in that theatre and it was intoxicating. I want to go see the movie again!!

So, here's my suggestion for the ladies, if your man tells you he wants to go see this movie, you say "OK honey" and take your happy @ss to see it because it's chock full of hotness. And make sure you stick around after the credits roll because there's a clip that will lead up to the next movie. I would also like to add that Robin from "How I Met Your Mother" is in this movie, if you're a fan you'll spot her right away, if not she's Fury's right hand woman. Here's my prediction, she'll be back in the next movie as Wonder Woman......just saying.

And one more thing, this is the last thing, I swear. There were so many good lines in the movie that it was so hard to just  pick one line but since I am a newfound Thor fan..........
                                                             Put the Hammer DOWN!!!!!

Got Timeline?

I've heard so many people complain lately about how they hate the timeline on Facebook. I'm starting to think that I may not have the timeline because I don't hate it!

Someone did say that she didn't like how it keeps track of every little thing she does or views.....umm, well, then don't link Facebook up to the things it's keeping track of or how about you stop looking at things that you shouldn't or wouldn't want people to know about! Duh!

If Facebook would've been around 30 years ago, this bike would've been on my timeline! And the caption would've read "got this bitchin' bike for my bday! Gonna use my bday money to buy a cool basket for it"

Ok. So I wouldn't have said "bitchin'" but still! It's an awesome bike! Hope everyone is having a fabulous week! What are you reading, cooking or watching?