The things we don't talk about Volume One

There are things that families don't speak of. Suicide.

The word makes my heart race. It scares me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. And this is where I have to take a break to gather myself, wipe the tears away and when my kids walk through the room and flash me a questioning look... I can't explain to them what the problem is because I can't speak of it.... out loud.

Suicide.

It happens. I bet you know someone who has tried it or maybe unfortunately accomplished it. I'm sorry for your loss or the stress it put on you and your family. And if the case may be, I'm sorry that you went through it yourself.

I remember standing at the kitchen sink. It was a bad day. A lot of stress. We had just moved into our first house. We were renters for years and this house was a big deal. We did all of the remodeling ourselves and even though me and my husband at the time didn't agree on the decor, we managed to meet in the middle and I was pretty exhausted by the whole process.

I was having female issues, had been on my period (sorry guys) for 72 days and the doctor put me on birth control to try to help it end. I was taking 4 birth control pills a day! I was an emotional wreck. The kids were at odds and my oldest boy was causing problems in school. I felt like a failure and wondered if my family would be better off without me. Other problems arose and I thought it was all too much to deal with.

Now, I cannot believe I was ever in that place emotionally/mentally.

I was washing dishes and watching the cars drive on the road behind our house. They travelled at high speeds since it was a country road. And then suddenly I put my dish rag in the sink and moved toward the door, into the back yard because I knew that all I had to do was step out into the road at the last minute and it would all be over.

No more pain. No more sadness. NO more disappointment. No more ME.

And now I know, no more future. No more Toddler or new husband. No more writing group. No more pictures to prove I grew monster tomato plants. No more dreams. No more laughter. No more seeing how well my kids grew up despite my efforts to warp them... mwahaha!

I didn't make it to the road....obviously. I can't say that it was my kids who pulled me out of that ugly place. It wasn't even my husband. It was my Mom and the fact that I was always so afraid to disappoint her. I knew that she would be devastated if I stepped out in front of that truck. I didn't want her to be heart broken. She is the one person in my life, at that point that I knew loved me unconditionally.

I know better now.



Two Tomato plants at war for one space...who will win?

So now my secret is out. You know now.

I bring this up because I've recently been reminded of that day. My seventeen year old had a fight with his girlfriend and you know how teenagers are. I looked into his eyes and felt the panic flood in. I wanted to run around the house and hide the rat poison and pain killers. I wanted to throw out the knives and sharp objects. Hell, I even considered hiding the power tools. I saw the signs. Feeling unworthy, hiding away, horrible mood swings.


Please know that however bad it is for you at this very moment, it gets better! But you have to give it a chance to get better first. Don't give up! And please, ask for help. That is the hardest part of getting through, admitting that it happened or could happen. Or at least for me it was.

1-800-273-talk or 1-800-273-8255

That's the number for the Suicide Prevention Hot line. They have a slogan... With help comes hope. It is the truth. You need a little help and then you'll start to see that there is hope! I promise! I know!! It will get better!

Time out...

I have no patience at all. Sitting on a beach, waiting for the sun to set has been something I've wanted to do but didn't have the patience to actually sit and do. And honestly, I didn't even take the time to do that when I took this picture. I took it as we were driving by the beach... I didn't even roll my window down.

I think sometimes you just have to stop what you're doing and let everything fall to the wayside. Take the time to sit and appreciate the natural beauty that surrounds you! The setting sun, the kids playing at the park.... don't be the creeper that shows up to the park without a kid though...awkward!

I recently took the time to sit on my back porch/deck to enjoy a cup of coffee. My intentions that morning were simple. Make a pot of coffee, sit on the porch and plan out my sisters baby shower. I do my best planning when I am alone and don't have 10 people shouting/whispering ideas into my ears. I need to sit back and think about why we're having this baby shower. To celebrate life. This is about my sister and her husband, the best couple you'll ever meet and one of the most deserving set of parents in the world. I love them to pieces and want this shower to represent who they are to me.

They are the calm without the storm, a ray of sunshine during the darkest of days and a long traveled somewhat bumpy road. The journey for them to become parents has not been easy and I'm so happy to finally be a part of a special day where friends and family from both sides will gather and show some love.

If you have something on your mind, stress is taking over and you can't think straight sometimes its best to remove yourself from the situation for a bit. I'm not saying that you should pack a bag, hop in your car and run away...although at times that does seem like an exhilarating experience. I'm saying, shut the phone off, make a picnic lunch and head down to the beach and watch the waves come in. Let everything else wait! ME TIME is so important! Try it. If it doesn't work, try again and again.

When my boys were little and I would get overwhelmed I wouldn't always handle it with grace but when I did deal with it.... sounds like one of those pins on pinterest....I don't always keep my cool but when I do it involves chocolate cupcakes! Yeah! That's what I said! I made a batch of chocolate cupcakes and put fancy frosting on them. I listened to music and danced in the kitchen while I baked them. We had a lot of cupcakes!

Sure, when all of the cupcakes were gone and reality set in I still had bills I couldn't pay and people I wanted to punch in the face but I was refreshed and felt more capable of handling the situation without pulling my hair out!

You see what I'm saying? Time out! Breathe! Clear your mind! Back to work!

Anyway, find that thing that simmers the raging inferno of frustration and feed on it when you get stressed. Wait! Maybe that was bad. Don't turn to stress eating to make you feel better! I would never suggest that you use food like that! OK. I'm going now before I encourage you to do something even worse...

Mutiny....

   Have you ever posted something on facebook or twitter and then read it out loud, thinking..."That sounded goofy coming out of my mouth?"...

   Yeah. Me either! Because a lot of goofy stuff comes out of my mouth. But I read what other people post and think "Wow! I can't imagine that actually coming out of his/her mouth in real life!" You know, because what we post on facebook and twitter or other social media sites, is not in fact real life. I'm learning that for most folks it's what ever they want others to believe about their life.  It's their fantasy world.

   Post upbeat status updates and check in at all the cool fun places so people will think that you're living the good life. In reality, you're using a credit card you will never be able to pay off and secretly can't stand the people you hang out with or your significant others kids drive you NUTS.  Complain how you have it so hard when in fact you have it better than the average American. Please go on and tell me how much you hate your job as I sit here filling out the 29th job application of the year. But, it's your post, please, carry on. But I have one request...

Please. Stop whining.

   Please.Stop whining and look around you. Do you see the trees swaying in the breeze? Perhaps you live in Arizona, do you see the sunshine, feel the heat on your skin? Well, congrats! You're still alive and if your life is that sad and pathetic that hearing the words "You're alive" make you feel sad... You need to make some changes my friend.

   You don't know where to start? Understandable!! Believe me! I've been there! I've been the woman who was sprawled out on the floor, balling my eyes out, my world torn apart and I said "Now what?" I had no idea where to begin. And for every body there's a different guide book but I will tell you this. The first thing you have to do is pick yourself up off the damn floor and STOP crying! And then, look around you. Look at the blessings in your life. Don't give the negative more thought than the positive. Find something that makes you happy (NOT DRUGS or Booze) and do it.

   Me? I do several things. Recently I've started taking a photo a day on instagram. Each day I have to take a picture of something in particular. Today the theme is "BIG" and yesterday it was "lunch". It's not often that I eat lunch so that was hard. I know you might be thinking "That's what makes you happy?" and the answer is yes, it does. It gives me goals and checking them off my list is satisfying. Isn't that what we all want? Satisfaction?

   You can't get NO? (satisfaction) Well, fight for it, chase it down, make it happen. It's all on you baby! Captain that ship!

   Anyway, If I can encourage one person to take a long look at their life and admit "I'm so unhappy I can't stand myself" and make a change for the better, then I will stop posting these annoying segments of self help! lol ...or maybe not.

   So, tell me, what are you doing to make yourself happy today?