Helo Wanted

I've been working from home for a while now and I use the term "Work" lightly. They say if you spend your time doing something you love it isn't considered work. Well, I say if you're not getting paid to do it then it isn't work and you need to get a job because the bills won't pay themselves! So, I have been looking for a job. I've filled out applications at several places over the last 5 months with no luck at all. I've followed up and used my nicest most educated sounding voice. I was polite and witty and remembered to NOT say "UMMM!" as much as possible. I realize that working around my day job (driving the kids to and from school) might be a turn off for some employers but if I'm correct there are people out their that go to school and require time off for classes. The most positive thing that came from any of the calls is being told that I might be over qualified to work at the Dollar Store. I am taking that as a compliment. I gave up on calling a few of the places that I applied to and actually made an appearance. I made sure that all of my tattoos weren't readily visible and went light on the eyeliner. I don't think you can see the pink streaks in my hair anymore....regardless I felt like a monster with 3 heads when I asked to speak with the manager about an application I turned in. Lately, the service I've received at fast food restaurants and chain stores tells me that you don't have to be a rocket scientist or have the best people skills in the world to be a part of their team! So, I figured I would have a shot at a job! Alas, nobody has returned my calls or appeared to be interested in inviting me to join their merry band of customer pleasers. So, I'm planning an alternate route of attack.

From now on, I'm going to lie on my application. I'm no longer white! I think I can pass for Hispanic on a good day. I have no formal education what so ever! I've been fired from every job I've had for some sort of physical altercation! The only job I've held for longer than a year was running drugs! I'm blind in one eye and can't see out of the other. I have a suspended licence....I thought the middle finger was the universal sign for "RAM ME WITH YOUR CAR". My bad! I can't work the weekends because of my religion. I'm allergic to peanuts and bullsh!t! I feel that I would make a great addition to any team because well......I have to be better than the idiots you have working for you now! And I think to add that special little flair I should spell half the words wrong....Including my name! What do you think?